Fi's Weight Loss Surgery

2006-04-02T09:38:00.000+01:00

Okay here are some photos that may show progress: Last week, painting pots with friends:

I'm the one on the left at the end, white shirt and scarf (another cold!)

And this is me at Luxor Temple, Egypt, 6 months ago. I'd already lost 4 1/2 stone at that point!

Spring Check In

2006-04-02T08:58:00.000+01:00

Having had a nudge from Jilly, here's an update on progress:

Start weight: 137.8kg 21st 9lbs BMI: 52.2
Current: 95.5kg 15st - BMI: 36.1

TOTAL LOSS: 42.3kg = 93lbs = 6st 9lbs

So only 7lbs until I reach my second big milestone - 100lbs!!!

You'll have noticed my weight loss has dratically slowed down over the last few months. I've only lost 7lbs since the end of Jan. Well, I did delay my last "fill" as I've been having a bad time with coughs and colds. If you can imagine the impact a deep hacking cough has on a small pouch for a stomach, its not pretty. The coughing tightens up the stoma between the pouch and the normal stomach and makes it difficult for stuff to pass through. This means that stuff sits in your pouch, and when you have a coughing fit it comes back. As I said, not pretty and very distressing when it happens when you're delivering a client workshop, like it did for me last week! Luckily, I was staying away and happened to have my suitcase with me and could change clothes.
You'd think that not being able to pass food through would help me lose weight, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. Maybe not exercising and eating too much chocolate may have something to do with it! Sitting around feeling sorry for myself with a drippy nose is not conducive to being active.

Last week a friend had a Hen Night and we had alovely time. Pam took photos and then emailed them to us. It was really wierd, I knew that was me sitting at the end of the table, but it was really hard to register it was me! I wasn't overspilling the chair and taking up enough room for two. I looked "normal". I didn't look much different to the women sat around me! Okay, I wasn't sylphlike, and I was sat next to the elegance of Karen G which is never an easy comparison, but I didn't look out of place.
I'll see if I can post a photo up here so you can see for yourselves. (Ooo, techie challenge!)

So my next fill is on 18th April, so on the homeward stretch then!
I'm seeing a personal trainer the same week to get some advice on toning etc. Getting worried about these wobbly bits! I've developed some particularly spectacular bat wings! So maybe vanity will get me exercising!

New Year News

2006-01-23T11:23:00.000Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Even if we are a few weeks into 2006 already!

Statistics update first:

Start weight: 137.8Kg (303lbs, 21st 9lbs) BMI: 52.2

Weight to date: 98.6Kg (216 lbs, 15st 7lbs) BMI: 37.0

Total Loss: 39.2Kg (86 lbs, 6st 2lbs)

So a great result in that I've moved from Super Obese, all the way through morbidly obese and am now in Severley obese. As a reminder, the chart is below:

A BMI of: Means you are:
Less than 19 Underweight
19-24 Normal
25-29 Overweight
30-34 Obese
35-39 Severely Obese
40-49 Morbidly Obese
50+ Super Obese

From a health point of view, that's an amazing change. I've probably added years to my life expentancy.
I was trying to work out, the other day, when was the last time I was 15 and a half stone. I think it has to be about 1995. Just that thought makes me feel younger, quite bizarrely! My self image is also probably a bit of skew. To me, 15.5 stone seems positively waiflike! Yet to others, who haven't seen where I've come from, I probably look very overweight, which of course I am! (Confused? How do you think I feel!) it goes with the ambivalent feelings I have to the people currently taking part in a TV competition to win a weight loss programme in Australia. Apparently (and this is 2nd hand knowledge) the heaviest person taking part is 17st. To me there are much more desperate, heavier people out there who would love this kind of help. Is this a case of making fat people thin is good tv, but there is still a limit to how much fat is acceptable viewing? In other words, really obese people would be too offputting to the general viewing public? I have a horrible feeling that this might be so.

Anyway, back to me! In my last post, I mentioned I was going to talk to a lady about introductions to men. Well, I did. She is really nice and very understanding. I have been out with a few men and they were very nice. However, I was left with the feeling that I "could do better". This is probably very arrogant on my part, and is in no way a reflection on the gentlemen I met, but they just seemed middle aged and over weight! Yes, I know, I'm no spring chicken myself and not exactly Kate Moss, but my self esteem just keeps saying "you deserve better". So, as my coach and I discussed, I'm not playing the dating game, but I am open to a relationship. In layman's speak, I not going out looking, but would be open to opportunity should it knock.

Work is going well. If you would like to find out more about what I do, check out my website: www.beaumontkilpatrick.com.

I've booked my Day Skipper theory and practical courses, and a short additional sailing trip on Eve this Spring. Can't wait for those! I feel so much more agile and feel a lot more confident about my ability to move around the boat.

I'm now getting a bit concerned about baggy skin etc. So I have to find ways of toning up. Now I've lost so mucgh weight, I have no excuse not to exercise, so the trick will be to find something that I'll look forward to and not consider a chore. So I'm checking out dancing classes and pilates (for toning).

I'd better get back to work now. Ciao.

Quarterly News...

2005-11-02T09:05:00.000Z

Its been a few months since my last post, so there's quite a bit to catch up on. Weight Loss news is good;

start weight: 137.8kg (303lbs, or 21st 9lbs)
current weight: 106.6kg (234lbs, or 16st 10lbs)
total loss: 31.2 kg (69lbs, or 4st 13lbs) - just 1lb off 5 stone!!!

I have reduced in size by 4 dress sizes (from size 30 to 24), I no longer create my own dam in the bath, I have gone from going downstairs one step at a time a year a go to running up them.
My confidence is really good and as a result, work is booming! I've taken a part-time salaried job with Skai, a group of like minded ladies who deliver coaching at a very senior level in both public and private sector. So this is a guaranteed income that will pay the motgage and bills, but I can still deliver Beaumont Kilpatrick work in my own time! BK work is taking off too; I've taken on two new clients in the last week and two existing clients have renewed their contracts.

The biggest change of all is in my self-image, I feel slim, sexy and attractive for the first time in years - and of course thats the secret to being attractive! So the next step is to get out there in the world and meet men. I'm seeing a lady tmorrow who may be able to help me with that, so more news soon.....!

A slow boat to China...

2005-07-26T17:18:00.000+01:00

The title today reflect how I'm feeling about my progress. It seems to be taking forever! I have to keep reminding myself that I have lost 47lbs - that'a about 3 and a half STONE!!! Try carrying 5 x 10lb bags of potatoes around with you all day, every day - or 21 bags of sugar! Or a 3 year old child. Its the kind of weight you would think twice about lifting and doing it properly, i.e. bending the knees, not your back etc.

That's what I have achieved so far.

My clothes are starting to fall off me. I had a sort out the other day and I have 2 suits left that are still wearable, one of which has been in the cupboard for 5 years and I've started wearing again recently - they are both pretty baggy, but I'm holding off buying a new suit as long as possible. I'd like to get some decent wear out of a new suit before it, too, becomes too big.
A big thrill yesterday when I realised I could get back into my favourite white linen trousers!
I could accelerate my progress by being more careful about what I eat. i.e. less puddings, chocolate etc. But at the moment, my skin seems to be shrinking back with me. I'm really not looking forward to folds of extra skin all over mer, which is real possibility. By losing the weight gradually, I am lessening the impact, but it will still happen to some degree.

I read something really inspirational today. Its on the following website, www.forthelittleonesinside.com click on the tab titled "Eating my way home". For those of you out there with eating problems, I'm sure you'll find a lot to relate to in it.

Results so far:
Start weight: 137.8kg
As at 22.7.05: 116.6kg
Total Loss so far: 21.2Kg(46.6lbs, or 3stone and 4.6 lbs)
Only 3.4 lbs off my first target weight loss of 50lbs!!!!
I need to think of a special celebration for when I hit that figure. Ideas welcome!

(This blog entry is dedicated to Pam, Helen and Jilly who have been nagging, er .. nudging me to get back to my blog!)

2005-06-03T09:26:00.000+01:00

Lapband Diagram

That funny feeling....

2005-06-03T08:39:00.000+01:00

I went to Mr R and had my third fill last week. Apparently I now have a total of 2.75cc in my inner tube. It only took 0.3cc this time to attain the required "tightness" and as the total capacity is 4cc, there's still a lot of room for manoever.
So, a whole week on liquids. When I first started this, that seemed really daunting, but now I look on it as a challenge. I have established what soup recipes I like and can plan the week, getting gradually thicker in consistency so I'm on smoothies type of thickness by the end of the week, ready to go onto sloppy. Today's my second day on sloppy and I'm just waiting for my runny porridge to cool down while I write this. Last night's tea was mash potato and gravy - really yum! I've really noticed the restriction this time. I can only manage half a portion of porridge before I'm stuffed! That's way good! And, as always, it is much tighter in the morning. That first drink of water when I wake up can sometimes be a bit uncomfortable - I really have to make sure I'm out of bed and standing up before it goes down properly.
Mind you, I was a bit disappointed when I got on the scales this morning, after a week on liquids I haven't lost an ounce! Exactly the same as last week! Maybe I'm retaining water? Or perhaps its because I've been really lazy and not done any exercise till this morning. I told myself all week that I was too "weak" from lack of proper food to do the treadmill - what a load of rubbish!
Well I'm back on the treadmill in other ways too. I'm been really proactive this week about generating work, attended another networking meeting in MK, booked a few appointments to see people who can help me with marketing etc. And finally got a date in the diary for next week to start working with this IT Services company who told me they wanted my help in January - quick off the mark huh? I also reviewed top-consultant.com for Associate Consultant roles and found a few potential leads. I sent CV and letter to about 4 and received replies from 3 within the hour - cool!
Helen came round for a coffee yesterday and we had a lovely chat about the nature of spirituality and the universe, nice and light for a Thursday morning. I then did a tarot reading for her, the first I've done for anyone other than myself in at least 15 years! It was really different, I gave the usual predictions, but also connected with her dad who has passed over. It was quite extraordinary.

Me at the helm!

2005-05-27T09:49:00.000+01:00

Note the casual pose! Anyone would think it wasn't blowing a hooley ! Perhaps its because you cant see the white knuckles and gritted teeth on the photo!
ME!! at the helm

2005-05-27T09:48:00.000+01:00

Alongside

2005-05-27T09:47:00.000+01:00

Starboard tack

2005-05-27T09:42:00.000+01:00

Dimitri on Helm and the back of my head! (purple hat)

2005-05-27T09:41:00.000+01:00

Debbie and Dimitri on Eve

2005-05-27T09:40:00.000+01:00

Eve

On the losing side again!

2005-05-27T08:59:00.000+01:00

Well I've had a fabulous few weeks. I went sailing, as previously mentioned, for a week on Eve. I'll attempt to upload some pictures (courtesy of Stephan - co-sailor). So apparantly I am now officially "Competent Crew" Wow! It was a great week. There were four of us on the boat - Debbie the skipper, Dimitri - Russian doing his Day Skipper, Stephan - American (or Texan as he said) also doing his Competent Crew, and me! So whilst we had plenty of room on the boat, it was pretty full on crewing Eve with just 4 of us. The weather was great, again, except for really strong winds on the last day (force 8). In fact, we were stranded on the mooring bouy in St Mawes harbour the last night as it was too rough to row ashore! But NO sea sickness at all! I took my pills as a precaution, but not a whiff.
After the sailing, I spent a few days in Falmouth. The weather was pretty dismal by then, but it was an enjoyable break. I then went home via two days work in Exeter. Unfortunately I caught a stomach bug of some kind and then had diarrhoea for about 4 days! Well, I certainly lost all those cornish pasties and full on meals! I was just grateful there was no nausea along with it.
Yesterday I had my 3rd fill. So soup and liquids for the coming week. I'm off to check the cupboard for indgredients in a minute, to make sure I have enough stock cubes etc.
Today is supposed to be glorious weather, so I'm going to mow the lawn and put up my garden swing.

Progress to date?
start weight - 137.8kg
27.5.05 - 119.0 kg
Total loss = 18.8 kg (41.5lbs)

So just 1/2 lb off 3 stone!
I'm also getting pretty close to the 50 lb milestone, how cool is that!

Target weight loss is 68 Kg (150 lbs). 18.8 Kg is 27.5% of target.

This is all getting a bit anal, so I'll leave it there!

Where've you been!

2005-05-04T09:59:00.000+01:00

APOLOGIES if you've been checking in on my progress and have had no info for a month! I got an email from Jilly this morning asking what was going on, so I got my behind in gear and here I am again.
Well its been a month - all sorts has been happening!
I wont bore you death with the minutae, but maybe pick out the intersting bits.
When I left you at the last episode, I was about to go sailing. Well, it was the most amazing few days! The boat, "Eve of St Mawes", is a beautiful wooden gaft rigged pilot cutter. No modern winches and things, all blocks and tackle and ropes etc. I learnt so much! It was going back to the basics to understand why you need to do things I'd just done in the past. For the techies amongst you, it was like learning how a computer works at nitty gritty level in order to have a clearer understanding of what happens when you click on an icon in Windows, and so have a much better understanding of what has happened and how to fix it when something goes wrong. The modern conveniences on a boat disguise what's really happening like Windows hides the operating systemn on a computer.
The food was all fresh, healthy indgredients, personally prepared by the skipper, Debbie. It was only as we set out on the first day's sailing that it suddenly occurred to me I couldn't be seasick! Well, I could, of course, but it was really not advisable! Now, I've never been sea sick before, but I though prevention was the better part of discretion (huh?), and borrowed some stugeron. Needless to say, we had the most perfect couple of days sailing and no hint of sea sickness. But it was a good wake up call and I'll be taking my own supply of pills next time. The sailing was FAB! Sunny blue skies, flat sea and stiff northwesterly breeze, which meant we were on a beam reach in both directions. It just couldn't have been better - except that it did get better! We were off Dolman Head, when a pod of dolphins came alongside! I've seen dolphins when sailing in the med before, but NEVER off the UK! It was amazing.
The trip was an all girls, "introduction to sailing" course. All of us on board had sailed before, but all of us had had the "sailing with men" syndrome. Which basically means that, for all sorts of reasons, we had let the men on the boats with us take the lead and had no confidence in our own abilities. Me included. Well, as it was 5 girls and a boat, we HAD to do whatever needed to be done, and by jove we were good at it! I helmed more in 2 days of sailing than I have ever before. When we came ashore, Debbie (skipper) told me I was a natural. I'd found myself instinctively doing things, and had no fear of asking Debbie the "why" of what I was doing, which again, boosted my confidence no end.
Anyway, a few days after I got back, I booked a week long trip on the same boat - going this weekend coming!
If you want to see some lovely pictures of "Eve", go to www.classicsailing.co.uk .

As you can tell, I was pretty excited by the sailing, but other things have been happening. My laptop had a fatal crash, which was pretty devastating. So I spent a lot of money on a new one and a lot of time trying to recover as much data as possible. I'm now up and running again, just have a small software problem on the new one where the screen goes blank after boot up. Just to make things more annoying - its intermitent! So I'll be following that up this week with Dell.
I had a formal chat with TRNI about the job offer. I decided that whilst the security was tempting, I actually have enbough confidence in my ability to generate my own work now and really LOVE the independent thing. So I've decided to turn down their offer. In the mean time, I'm working on a proposal for Cat with them for further work and have been asked to deliver some behavioural training to a group of car dealerships for the as well. I've also taken on another SCS coachee for Skai, so the work is trickleing in.
I've started using the treadmill regularly - I've created a plan that's on the wall next to the treadmill, and after each session I get a sticker (I've been watching "Little Angels" and am a fan of Dr Tania) - hey, don't knock it, the sticker thing works on adults too! I really feel like I'm making progress each time I add one to the chart.
My weight has plateaued a bit at the moment, here's a brief summary of progress:
1.10.04 - 137.8 kg
1.11.04 - 131.5 kg
1.12.04 - 130.4 kg
1.01.05 - 126.2 kg
1.02.05 - 126.3 kg
1.03.04 - 124.9 kg
1.04.05 - 123.9 kg
1.05.05 - 121.4 kg
Total loss = 16.6 kg = 36lbs (or 2 st 8lbs)

So you can see the loss is steady, but it could be better.
I don't have a date with Mr Rogers for my next fill, as I still feel quite restricted, but I noticed last night that I'm still hungry after a small portion size, so perhaps its time to give him a ring.

All the money I had to spend on technical stuff has put the kiebosh on getting a gardner in, but the lodger next door, John, has volunteered to work in my garden for me! For free! He spent Sunday and Monday fixing my lawn mower and battling through the jungle high grass! So I can titivate round the edges putting in bedding plants and filling pots etc! How cool is that!
So today I'm utting together a BIG pot of herbs for the pation outside the back door and putting bedding plants in the front plots - if it doeSn't throw it down with rain of course!

Marching on......and on......

2005-04-06T22:29:00.000+01:00

Well, I managed to get the treadmill working. It was a power lead thing, all sorted out now. I've only been able to use it properly once though - but I'll get back to that.
So the big party I was dreading, it was great! I saw loads of people I hadn't seen for years. I also got extremely, um, light headed (?). I'd arranged to share my hotel room with Jac - she was in London too for another do and we met up about midnight at the hotel bar, sank another bottle of wine then crashed out.
BOY was I poorly the next day! I was really worried about being ill - not like the old days when I could over indulge and throw-up next morning and feel immediately better. I don't think I'll be doing that again in a hurry.
So Sunday and Monday were written off to be honest. Monday I had a reiki session which really helped. While I was there, I saw Pete (the painter) and apparently his work for this week had been postponed. So I said that if he wanted to, he could paint my kitchen, which was waiting to be finished. So Tuesdy and Wednesday the treadmill was folded up and covered in dust sheets.
Finally got the kitchen back tonight and have a lovely doenstairs to the house now! And yes, I did spend 15 mins on the treadmill.

It looks like TRNI might want to offer me a full time job. They offer a great package and I'd get a fully expensed car. Certainly something to think about. Its balancing up the independence against the financial security I suppose.
In the meantime, John W has asked me to help with the recruitment process for their new consultants. So I spent today setting up phone interviews for when I get back from sailing next week. Its another three days work, not to be sniffed at - that'll pay for getting the garden done, well, two thirds of it anyway!
So tomorrow's going to be busy; speak to Gary about his meeting tomorrow afternoon with Cat, finish prepping for the interviews next week, prepare for the workshop on Friday and travel to Exeter!

Marching on..

2005-03-31T22:28:00.000+01:00

The "To Do" list is gradually being whittled down. It's certainly keeping me active! The lounge is nearly done, just some bookshelves to go up and a curtain rail. The kitchen is nearly back to normal with one major addition......a treadmill!!! Yes! Its arrived! Thank goodness the electrician was here to help the delivery guy get it into the kitchen, there's no way I would have managed it. The box was a good 8 feet long by 4 foot wide and really heavy. I spent two days putting it together. Lets just say the instructions were not easy to follow - obviously translated from German into English by a non-fluent English speaker. The instructions told you how to put it together, and then described the various programs, But there was no instructions on actually using the thing!
I plugged it in and turned it on - power light came on and the LCD panel displayed its stuff - eureka! So far so good. The treadmill cam with a "safety key" that apparently you attach to yourself as a safety stop thing. So logic says that you should have the key in place before you can use the treadmill...doesn't it? So, there I was, all ready to go, machine powered on, I attach the safety key and "ping", the display disappears and the power light goes off. Like a fuse had gone? But the power socket also supplied the freezer, and that was still working okay. No fuse popped on the fuse box. Oh my God! I'd broken it somehow and never even used it!
So I've sent a message for help to the manufacturer/supplier and hope they can help. How frustrating. Mind you, I certainly got a load of exercsie putting the thing together, it wasn't exactly lightweight.
I also got loads of exercsie today as well. Again went into London, turned up at one office to find the meeting was actually taking place at another building, so spent 15 mins charging round Whitehall trying to find this other building. Then ran up 3 flights of stairs trying to find a ladies loo (with no success I might add) and, just to top it all, I was on the 7th floor of the car park again at Mk station. So if I haven't lost anyweight tomorrow, I'm going to be really gutted.

Saturday night is Mike's 40th birthday bash in London. I'm already having my "embarrased to be seen in public" jitters. Why is it I can meet anyone at all in a work context, but as soon as its a social setting I start getting all these "they'll be judging me" thoughts going on and want to bottle out of going. I think there's also a fear that I'll be left on my own with no-one to talk to, although I do know quite a few people who are going. Its the old, "well they'll be nice and say hello but they won't want me hanging around them all night" thing.
I thought I'd come so far in the last few years, but this is really demoralising.

Parades of men.....

2005-03-22T23:58:00.000Z

...tromping through the house!
Oh lucky me! Unfortunately they were all trades folks and just interested in doing a good job and getting paid....hmmmm?

In preparation for my new carpet being laid yesterday, I spent the weekend moving stuff out of the lounge. A lot of sorting out happended along the way. I also wanted to make sure any drilling for shelves, curtain rails etc was completed before the new carpet arrived. Unfortunately, I managed to drill through an electric cable in the process! Aaargh!
So, no electricity for Sunday night and Monday morning and Mr Electric arrived to provide an emergency fix and quote for the complete work while the carpet fitters were still there. needless to say, when he took a look at my antique electicals, he started wincing and quoting HSE regulations at me. Result is, that not only have I had holes gouged in the wall to replace cable, I've also had a completely new board installed. BUT! I did get the "convert old storage unit switches into sockets" bit done at the same time! Yay! So I now have electicery at the far end of the kitchen, (well, I will when he comes next Tuesday to finish - on his Easter break until then) so no more extension leads for the freezer and my new treadmill - yes, I really did buy one, will have its very own electricity supply when it arrives!
He had to check all the other electrics while he was at it, (new NIC rules apparently), and he did say the whoever had done the electric for the workshop had done a really good professional job. So that was reassuring.
The cats are a bit trauamatised with all the changing around, strange people and funny new carpet smells. But they did manage to leave me a present of a dead mouse on my brand new, less than 24 hours old carpet this morning! Thanks Kevin. The lounge looks huge now. Partly due to the fact I've removed all the clutter and partly due to the expanse of light coloured carpet with no dark rug. So the lounge is looking fab. The kitchen and the entire upstairs look like a bombsite however. I really must starting putting stuff in the loft, there's no room to move on the landing now.
AND I still need to finish putting up shelves in the lounge - just really nervous about creating havoc again.
I went into London for a meeting with a new coachee today - A Senior Civil Servant. I found the walking etc absolutely fine. I even had to walk up 7 flights in the car park at MK station and actually managed it without collapsing or even having to stop for a rest. I think this is the biggest indicator I have had of the 2 stone I've lost. There's no way I'd have been able to that a few months ago.
Tomorrow's meeting in Manchester has been postponed - yipee. So I can relax for the rest of the week. I will create a to do list though, otherwise I'll just get frustrated at all the jobs that need doing and beating myself up for doing house stuff when I should be generating more work and visa versa. I'm also way behind on my OU course too, so I need to put some time aside to do that.
Ah me, no peace for the wicked!

In the Midnight hour....

2005-03-18T01:50:00.000Z

Well, more like ten to two am hour really. I couldn't sleep, I'm feeling really wide awake, so I decided to make some cocoa and catch up on my blog.
So why am I so wide awake? Well I had a fantastic day today, so it could be I'm still on a high from that. Or it could be the indegestion I'm suffering after indulging in a curry to celebrate!
For the last two or three days I've been suffering with pretty bad headaches - ones I'm beginning recognise as stress related/blood pressure related. So I've been trying to relax and meditate to deal with them and I only succumbed to drugs (ibuprofen) once. Today was the BIG meeting with Cat with the senior managers to review how my hard work over the last four months was received. After meeting with the HR Director last week, who was less than enthused to say the least, I was obviously getting a bit stressed about today. But it turned out to be a complete love fest! They thought I was GREAT! And made loads of positive noises about wanting to take this forward. Afterwards Gary thanked me for all my hard work, and apologised for the potential upcoming work not being continuous 5 days a week. I reassured him that "gaps" suited me down to the ground.
I also had a man come around tonight to discuss what we could do with the garden and he's gone away to give me a quote. I feel really confident in him and his company, I'm just a bit worried I over-egged my budget in my enthusiasm. Oh well, its only money and at least it wont be frittered away. At least I'll have a lovely garden I wont have to worry about keeping up as I've asked him to take on ongoing maintenance of it. One less thing to worry about. I can walk down the garden and work in the workshop without feeling guilty I'm not sorting the garden out.
You'll notice I've put in a photo of me - inspired by Eddie (link to his blog:
http://eddiewww.blogspot.com/). He was brave enough to put his before photos up, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and do the same. Now I've worked out how to add photies, I'll try and illustrate a bit more often.
I never did go to Line Dancing - again! I tried to figure out this morning with Jacqui's help what was stopping me. I think its that I just can't face doing exercise in front other people just yet. So I've committed to buying an exercise machine of some sort and using that in the privacy of my own home - don't have to go to a gym or anything where people can see me. So I've been looking on the net, ebay etc and I think I'm opting for a cross trainer - low impact, but good workout. It also doesn't take up too much room! Just need to search about for the right deal now.

2005-03-15T17:01:00.000Z

Me at Macchu Piccu 2003

Doesn't time fly!

2005-03-15T09:43:00.000Z

Its been a long time I know! Life has been hectic lately, but before I get into what I've been up to, a quick update on the old weight loss.

Starting weight = 137.8 kg
Current weight = 124.9 kg
Total loss = 12.9kg (28.3lbs)

My starting BMI was 52, now 46.9.
This means I have moved from being "Super Obese" to just "Morbidly Obese". Cool huh!
In case you are not aware of the BMI table, I've copied it for you:

A BMI of: Means you are:
Less than 19 Underweight
19-24 Normal
25-29 Overweight
30-34 Obese
35-39 Severely Obese
40-49 Morbidly Obese
50+ Super Obese

There are loads of calculators on the net for checking your BMI. Just search on google.

So the weight is coming off, but not as quickly as I would hope. I know full well that my bete noir is exercise. I really, really don't want to join a gym. It would just be a waste of money as I know that after the initial determination, I would find all sorts of excuses not to go. So I have decided to try and find something else that's active and that I enjoy (..steady!)

My brother has recently taken up golf, so I might try a golf lesson. Talking to one of my clients last week, he plays golf and said he can walk upt to 5 miles playing a round. That has to be good doesn't it? I don't fancy carrying a heavy bag all the way round though, would I get away with just using one club for everything?

I'm also checking out dancing, but I need to be careful its not too high impact (the knees!). So I'm going to try Line Dancing in the village tomorrow night. Very uncool, I know, but I'm way past worrying about being trendy.

I had an amazing afternoon yesterday. The village heritage society has been asked to help in excavating the Roman Villa in the school playing field. I went last week and spent a lovely freezing day, with snow, bent double scraping at heavy cloddy mud. It was really great fun - clearing a roman oven. But as I couldn't kneel, the bending double thing was dreadful on my thighs and back and I'm still suffering from a trapped sciatic nerve as a result. So yesterday I was given the job of cleaning the finds. There I was, sat in my lounge with a bowl of water and a toothbrush, cleaning up bits of pottery, tessarae and bone that is nearly 2000 years old! Wow!

This week is my first week "off" after completing the Cat work. Although I have to go to Manchester on Thursday for the final presentation. Hopefully they'll be some more work coming out of this, but after seeing the HR Director last Thursday, I'm not too hopeful. He seems to have his own agenda and his suppliers already picked out. Sticking to bog standard training by the look of things.

However, I did get a phonecall from Skai today offering me a 2nd coachee. Apparently he gets to decide if he wants me or Mike Carey, I'll find out after he's spoken to us both. If someone else is going to get the job, I'm glad it would be Mike. So we wait and see on that one. I'm doing an extra bit of work for Renwicks next month - facilitating a manager's workshop. So as I'll be in Exeter on a Friday, I've booked a sailing trip leaving from St Mawes on the Saturday. An all women 4 day trip on a pilot cutter - way cool!

Info and pictures can be found at www.classic-sailing.co.uk

What Would Have Made a Difference?

2005-02-21T22:20:00.000Z

Great weekend, I weighed myself Saturday and I’m down to 125.4 Kg, that’s a loss of 12.4 kg (27.2 lbs).

For the first time since my operation I also measured myself. I’ve not lost anything around my boobs or hips, but I’ve lost a 6cm from my waist, 4cm from my upper arms and 4 cm from my thigh. Pretty good huh!

I was thinking a bit philosophically the other morning. Whilst I am really convinced I made the right decision to have surgery and I’m pleased with my progress, what could I or someone else have done years ago to prevent me reaching this stage?
When would have been the time to say – this is enough. Who could have taken a holistic view of my behaviour, weight gain etc and recognised the symptoms. What could they have done? Would I have listened to any advice anyway?

I think what may have helped would have been some counselling or therapy around my weight and the underlying issues. But would I have accepted that 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or even 15 years ago when I first started gaining weight in a serious way.

Would it be possible for GP’s to recognise these symptoms in their patients today and recommend pre-emptive help. I don’t mean handing out a diet sheet and “eating healthy” advice, we all have had that coming out of our ears. I mean realising there may be an underlying psychological problem for weight gain. I have lost count of the times I asked GP’s for help and have had thyroid tests, cholesterol tests, you name it tests, but never ever did a GP consider asking me if I was happy in myself and whether talking to someone about my weight would help.

I think this approach would save the health service a lot of money in the long term. You would have a lot more healthy people and a lot less heart disease, cancer, diabetes, liver and kidney problems, bowel problems, orthopaedic problems etc etc etc.

I can’t be the first person to think this, surely?

Break Through!

2005-02-10T16:33:00.000Z

Yes, I had a major self-image break through this week. Since I've been coming to this hotel in Hinckley for the last 4 months, I've always brought my swimming cozzi with me. The hotel has a lovely pool, spa, msauna etc and the intention has been to make use of the pool and get some exercise whilst I'm trapped her for a week at a time.
Funnily enough, its not happened. I always seem to have something "more important" to do! But his week, I actually did it!!!!!!
It was lovely! I particularly liked the sauna, incredibly relaxing.
I went Tuesday night and am planning to go again tonight (go home tomorrow night).
I wasn't really self-conscious. There were mainly women there to start, so I was fine. When I was chilling in the sauna (ho ho) two young lads came in - obviously footballer players from the conversation, and they smiled at me as they came in and then ignored me. That was just fine. I was a bit uncomfortable, but got over it pretty quicly, just focussed on enjoying the sauna and relaxing. I was looking forward to using the spa after the sauna, but when I emerged, a bit pink and lobster like, the spa had been closed for cleaning! Poo!

I'm officially on solid food again now. To be honest though, I'm sticking to easily digestible stuff like scambled eggs, chilli, stuff with a sauce etc. It took me 40 mins to eat 1 sausage and 3 forks of scambly egg this morning. The drinking thing is easier, but the restriction is definitely tighter in the morning.
The amount I can eat is still a lot smaller. I have now got used to stopping when I feel full. But NOT yet got used to putting less on my plate, so I always seem to leave loads! This lunchtime, I couldn't resist these lovely profiteroles on offer. I put 3 on my plate, but could only manage 1. I really wanted to finish them as they were delish, but was quite happy leaving my bowl hardly touched as I was physically replete. This is definitely new eating behaviour for me!

New Restrictions

2005-02-04T12:24:00.000Z

Well I certainly notice the restriction this time round!

I’m now officially on sloppy food – and to be honest, it’s all I can manage! Anything slightly more solid is really hard work.

I had one Wheetabix for breakfast – well soaked in milk, so it was effectively pulp – and it took me 15 mins to eat it! It went down fine, but I feel full SO quickly! Its great!

I have to be careful if I wake up thirsty in the mornings though. For some reason, the restriction seems to tighten up over night. So the first drink of water has to be in sips, as it just doesn’t go down otherwise. As I get up and start moving about, it seems to ease off and I can drink more normally.

I’m not worried about all this, it’s a good sign as far as I’m concerned. And I know it will ease off as I lose more weight.

Oh yeah – lastest update on that front:

This morning I was 126.2 kg, which is a total loss of 11.6kg! YAY!!! (For the imperialists among us, that’s about 26 lbs or 1stone and 12 lbs). AND biggest measure of all, I’m finally UNDER 20 stone! BIG milestone!

My weight has fluctuated over the last 2 months and I have reached this weight before (when I had my sickness bout), but this is still the lowest I’ve been since the operation, and I KNOW I’m on a downward path right now. I can’t wait till next week when I weigh in again, as that will be the NEW lowest since the op! I’m on a roll!

Today’s Cat visit cancelled due to the RAF visiting “Wot, all of them?” I asked facetiously. I went to Tesco this morning and bought in loads of soft food for the weekend – mash with various additions, cottage pie, jelly, fruit for smoothies etc. On Sunday night I go to Hinckley for a week. That’s going to be challenging as their menu always seems to consist of hard stuff – chips (non-endingly!), roasts, etc. Very much geared to the male business traveller I think. Not much imagination. I’m hoping it may have changed a bit under the new management. We’ll see.

I’ve also got my last Leonardo da Vinci assignment due today, so I’d better stop procrastinating and get on with it.

Oh yes – (yes, more delaying tactics!) – I found a great group of farm shops the other day, near Towcester. The little complex is a load of barns etc on a farm converted into shops. The complex is called Wakefield. I was telling Helen (local Clairvoyant) that I really liked her Angel cards and would like to get some and she said, well there’s a nice little shop in Wakefield that do that sort of thing. Of course, I was a bit taken aback as I though she meant the Yorkshire version, but she then told me about this place. I found a lovely farm shop – all locally produced food – everything you can imagine! Even your basics like milk, bread, cheese, eggs etc. But the shop selling spiritual stuff wasn’t open that day, so I’m going back this afternoon and Helen dropped me an email to say she want to get a few bits too so we’re going together this afternoon – that’ll be lovely.

FW: blog post

2005-01-31T18:34:00.000Z

This is my first attempt at writing and posting via email – lets see if it works! If it does, my posts will be a lot more regular as I will be able to post them whilst away in hotels without paying a fortune on the phone bill!

I drove up to Manchester today, to discover on arrival they’d forgotten I was coming! Grrr! Anyway, I spent the morning with a couple of chaps, got to see the UK Mgr and he invited me to a UK Mgmnt meeting when the programme finishes, so good stuff overall.

Most annoyingly, I was due to be with them tomorrow too, so when I left at lunchtime, I went and checked into the hotel. About 4pm I got a call to say they couldn’t see me tomorrow either, so I could have gone home! Double Grr!

Anyway, had a nice dinner. Had soup (duh!)! I also ordered mash potato and steak pie, and had the mash and the soft bits of meat and ate is REALLY slowly. I probably ate half the soup and a third of the pie and felt totally stuffed. I know the solid stuff is a day early, but was very careful.

I can’t wait to be back on solid food, sooo bored of soup!

So tomorrow I get a lie in. Check out isn’t till 12:00, so I can take my time and wait till the traffic dies down before leaving. I’ll also try and get to see Gary before I leave too. I tried to get hold of him all day today, as well as last Friday, but I haven’t had any response to emails or voice mail.

Oh well, at least I’m trying.

Update

2005-01-26T17:08:00.000Z

Its been a few weeks since my last post - last year in fact! So I thought it was about time I brought the blog up to date.
January has been extremely hectic, working away from home a lot with all the attendant food issues. Its far too easy to have puddings when you're in a hotel for a week and really bored with the menu!
I had a bit if a scary episode the first week in Jan. I was in Devon coaching and I had a really rough headache, baby migraine I think. So I took a soluble paracetemol to try and resolve it. I knew it definitely was a migraine when I then had this tremendous feeling of nausea. My usual reaction to painkillers if I've left it too late to take them during a migraine episode. Now what's happened in the past - apologies if you find the detail too graphic, skip ahead - is that I allow myself to vomit and rest for 1/2 an hour and feel a lot better. But of course, with the band around the middle of my stomach, that's not an option! I was really worried about the consequences, could I burst the band? Would I rip my stomach with the force of the retching? So for hours I tried NOT to be sick. It was truly awful.
Anyway, eventually I succumbed and retched. It was very wierd, I had all the feelings and actions of vomitting, but nothing happened. Of course, what had happend was the contents of my "lower" stomach had been forced back through the stoma into my smaller "upper" stomach. I then retched again, and this time was actually sick.
I felt a lot better as far as the migraine went, but was worried about what may have happened. I tried to drink water, but it wouldn't go down, at all. So for 24 hours I just sipped water, which seemed to be okay.
Obviously my stomach had inflamed around the band and the stomach had shrunk to nearly nothing. I contacted my surgeon and he told me to go on fluids for a week to allow the swelling to go down. After a few days, it all seemed back to normal.
My 2nd fill was due 2 days ago, but mr Rogers and I agreed that due to the vomitting episode, I should really have my fill under xray so we could check the band was still in place etc.
So I went to the Princess Grace Hospital today and did the whizzy table thing again and got to watch my insides in real time as I drank the barium slop. Everything was okay, thank goodness. Mr R put in 0.65 mls, so I now have a total of 2.4 mls saline in the band. (Total capacity 4 mls so loads to go yet). He wanted to take some out, but the Consultant radiologist and I both said it would be fine! Me being the expert of course! Now I know he would have removed some if he thought he really needed to, we were just teasing.
So liquids again for 7 days and pureed/sloppy for another 7 days after that. Most of the time I'll be at home, so it won't be too difficult to manage. Just the last few days will be in Hinckley, so I'll have to go for the least solid of whatever's on offer, e.g. mash potato etc etc.
Mr R also gave me a prescription for anti-nausea drugs, so if, for any reason, I need to I can take them to prevent me from being sick. e.g. tummy bug, migraine, food poisoning etc.
Phew! What a relief! I don't want to go through that again!

Christmas Day Shocker!

2004-12-30T20:21:00.000Z

Well its been over two weeks since my last blog.
Things have been pretty busy. But the last few days have been really chilled and relaxed. I spent several days sleeping lots and just slumping in front of the telly, but today I started to get some energy again.
I collected my new glasses from Boots today, seems my left eye is gradually getting worse, but my right eye has got slight long sighted - this is actually good news, before, I was slightly short sighted in that eye, so now my right eye had nearly perfect vision!

Xmas day shock - I had a lovely day at my brothers' house will all the kids and their partners. In the afternoon, we decided to sit down and watch Laura's wedding video from May in Barbados. It was absolutely lovely, until one point this ENORMOUS back view of a person moved in front of the camera. I mean this person was HUGE! Imagine my shock when I only realised it was me when I recognised my top, specially bought for the wedding. I always had a self-image of being big, but the huge irony is I'm actually bigger in real life than my self image! I didn't say anything, but I think the family realised my shock as they were really supportive. They were excited about my weight loss so far, and were really interested in how it all works.
I keep reminding myself that I'm already 1.5 stone lighter than I was then.

So, progress over xmas?
17th Dec - 128.0 kg
Xmas eve - 128.0 kg
30th Dec - 128.0 kg

So haven't gained anything, even though I haven't been holding myself back on the food front!
New Year, new energy, renewed weight loss! YAYYY!!

Hollowed eyed...or cheeked?

2004-12-15T18:41:00.000Z

I've had a fairly good week this week. Work has been going well, I feel I'm on top of things after getting a bit stressed last week. I followed my own advice and wrote a list of absolutely everything I needed to get done and have just worked through it. And lo! Things are getting sorted!
Man coming to fix lights and sockets next week.
Cats booked into vets next week.
Car booked in for service in new year.
Followed up on call from Mo and gained a new client (yay!!)
Confirmed date with Ailsa
And nearly finished writing module 3 for Cat (would have a lot further along except I forgot to save it before closing and had to re-do a whole section! Yagh!)
And this morning, when I was peering into a mirror in a hotel which actually had decent lighting, (must add getting my eyes checked to the list) discovered I have cheek bones! Actual hollows, yes really, my face bends in at the right place and not out! They're probably shallow dips of hollows rather than deep pools so far, but if even I can see a difference, I think a change must be happening. Still got a double chin though. I suppose the kind would call it double and no longer triple.
AND..... the payment of my first invoice to TRNI arrived in my bank today! Hooray, I'm rich! Well, slightly affluent for a few weeks until I pay for all these things I'm booking!
Oh yes, must book Day Skipper on line certificate.
Oh, and musn't forget, 1st assignment due on Friday for my Leonardo da Vinci course. Luckily we can submit online now, don't have to post it. So I get a few extra days. Having said that, I'm halfway through it...... Only problem is, I have a total 600 word limit, and I've only answered the first 2 questions and already used up 400 and the 3rd and 4th questions are supposed to be more fully answered. Hmmm, a bit of editing I think.

Another soothing Saturday!

2004-12-11T09:07:00.000Z

I've just re-read last night's post - blimey! was I in a bad mood or what! Talk about feeling sorry for myself. I think it was down to fatigue.
This morning I feel great. I had a fantastic nights sleep, nothing beats your own bed. The cats were really loving and cuddly last night, both of them - even Kevin! I feel really Christmassy too.
I've still got quite a bit to do this weekend, but now I'm looking forward to it. Having checked my lists, I've already got Mattie's birthday present, just need wrapping paper and a card. I can go nto Stony and get those and get the Xmas cards and stamps at the same time. I've ordered a Tesco shopping delivery for this afternoon - as I'll be home every night on from next Weds. (Yippee!)
I'm clear on what xmas pressie I've yet to get and I can do those over the internet.
Best news of all.... drum roll.......

I'm now at 128.8kg, lowest yet!!!! That's a total loss of 9kg! About 20 lbs! That's 1 stone and 6 lbs!
Even in spite of succumbing to last nights misery and ordering take out (pizza) and catching up with all the chocolate treats in my Advent Calendar (my birthday present from Mattie).

Just think what I could be doing if I really tried and exercised too!
I haven't yet been able to bring myself to go swimming - far too humiliating. But I'll continue to lug my cozzie around with me to various hotels, you never know.

Fabulous Friday

2004-12-10T18:40:00.000Z

Fabulous only because I'm home again - at last! The day itself was pretty rocky - rough start, I got really annoyed with the Cat TL's 'cos they didn't finish do their actions from last time, even though they'd all agreed individually to do them. It took a lot of work on my part to "give up" my anger and let it go and get back on track. The whole thing lasted about 1/2 an hour.
I think I was quite successful and people said they enjoyed the day. But at the end, when asking for the highs and lows, 4 people said the low was me being annoyed - 3 said I was justifiably annoyed, but the 4th guy said it wasn't justified. I felt like asking if I wasn't allowed human emotions then, was I supposed to take all the negativity I get from them, as I have done, but not be allowed to react when they let me down! I felt like crying my eyes out on the way home. Didn't though. I'm so tired, perhaps that's why I reacted to them the way I did this morning. I could sleep for a week! Already dreading having to travel back to Manchester on Sunday night.
To be really honest, if I'd had junk food in the house, I would have hit it with vengeance when I got home - really, really need comfort food right now and don't give a **** about weight loss!
Its just so obvious my bad eating is emotion related.
I'm also getting myself down thinking about all the stuff I have a day and a half to accomlish this weekend:
Xmas shopping
2 weeks behind on OU stuff and assignment due end of next week
washing
housework
Mattie's birthday - buy and deliver pressie to Dunstable
Do personal crimbo cards (haven't even biught them yet!)
Do business crimbo cards
Buy stamps

Tonight, though, I'm just going to SLEEP!
......maybe I'll pig out first, hmmm. Decisions, decisions!

Hotel Living...

2004-12-08T17:31:00.000Z

In hotel all week, had a lovely relaxing bath tonight and started to think about all the problems that have become obvious staying in a hotel when you’re obese. Then I thought about what I have been teaching the Cat guys all week about creating positive outcomes and keeping a positive frame of mind and decided to turn my whinges into positive milestones for my weightloss. So here goes:

- Don’t have to lever myself into a bath to avoid the tidal wave effect
- Lying in a bath completely submerges me, not just legs and back
- Can get out of a bath without getting on my knees first (SUCCESS!!!)
- Not embarrassed to use the pool and/or sauna
- Don’t have to plan route through restaurant to avoid the embarrassing squeezing between tables thing
- Don’t have to worry about having a double bed and not twins, so I don’t risk falling out of the small bed
- Bath towels actually go all the way round.

I think I’ll add to this list as I think of new things and celebrate achieving each one – I’ve already got one!!! I managed to get out of the bath without having to turn over on my knees in order to stand up. Way cool!

OMG!

2004-12-04T19:09:00.000Z

Well, what a frantic two weeks its been! Although I'm not officially working weekends, I don't seem to be getting a break from this work. Its now Saturday evening and I feel like I've spent most of the day getting stuff ready for Monday - and still got a way to go!
Week before last was all week training. Last week was a tour of the UK visiting warehouses and doing one-to-one coaching. I was coaching up to 6 people a day, from 7am to 6pm, and finishing each day completely wrung out and then had to drive to the next hotel or home. Each drive was about 2 hours.
I got home last night and just collapsed.
Next week is training all week again and I realised today that I'd not even printed my trainer notes, let along any supporting material! And, of course, the ink cartridges for both printers ran out, I also ran out of paper and my Canon printer seems to have given up the ghost all together!
So all the printing having to be done on one printer. Ho hum! At least its given me the chance to catch up with my blog whilst I do paper refilling duty!

How's the weight loss going? I hear you ask. Bloomin' awful, I reply! I have really been feeling the restiction the last few weeks, and could swear I'm eating a lost less, so why has my weight gone up?

19.11.04 - it was 129.0 kg
27.11.04 - it was 129.1 kg
4.12.04 - it was 130.0 kg

I know its only a couple of pounds, but boy is it demoralising! Its completely going in the wrong direction.
I'm sure if I had time to sit and look at my eating habits over the last few weeks, I would realise they've not been the healthiest. Coming home late. No food in the house as I haven't been able to get to the shops in weeks. I have resorted to the chippy a few times! I also think I've been succumbing to comfort chocolate a bit more than is good.
Generally, my quantity intake is a lot lower, maybe just not the right things? I'm in a hotel again all next week, I'll try and be a bit more structured in my eating. i.e. main meal at lunch time and a snack in the evening. I think I also need to be taking my vitamins - being this tired all the time will make me suseptible (sp?) to all sorts of colds and stuff.
I've also set expectations with the course attendees (same as last time) that I may not be joining them for dinner every night. At least this way I stand a chance of getting to the pool for a swim a couple of nights.
I got my date for my second fill (not sure when I got it, its all a bit of a blur). But the date is end of January. I must check what I'm scheduled to be doing and sort out getting to London.

Back in the saddle.....

2004-11-22T18:33:00.000Z

First of MANY days of training for Cat today. After a few false starts over the last few weeks and organisation issues to rival the middle east crises, we kicked off on time, everything went to plan and the attendees seemed really pleased! Result!!
Came home tonight, back again tomorrow morning and away for the rest of the week. I'll be taking my cozzie with me and hoping to get in the pool at some time. Also try to get a massage while I'm there - shoulders tense today.
Eating has been interesting when with others the last day or so, it's really clear how much longer it takes me to eat than befire. I started on my main course today and took as long to eat that as it took the others to eat 3 courses! I also couldn't finish what I had - restriction seems to be really kicking in.

Its a bit crowded in here!

2004-11-21T13:37:00.000Z

Well, what an amazing day yesterday.
The clairvoyant development workshop I attended was just what I needed to get some perspective. I felt so relaxed and at peace afterwards. I also had an amazing breakthrough and was help to connect with my spirit guides - yes two of them! How greedy is that! We started with a meditatiuon which was lovely, very colour focussed which I really related to. At the end, as we came back into the room, I was aware that I'd brought someone back with me. At felt really joyful when I realised it was my mum. she stayed around for most of the day. I also brought back a male spirit guide. With Helen's help, I connected with him and boy was he stong! He was also quite peed off with me for making it so hard for him to come through! Helen then pointed out for me a second guide over my left shoulder, which I recognised, but was not so stongly connected to, this time a lady with long blonde hair. She seemed quite airy fairy to me, but apparently she was there to counter balance the fellah. He and I decided to call him Eric.
Later we did an exercise where we stood behind one of the participants and just noted down 3 things we received, and then disuscussed them later. I was working with a chap and I noted an ill liver, but wasn't sure if it was his or not. he told me he had pancreas problems, but that his partner had cancer of the liver and of course he was currently very concerned about that. I also noted a small motherly lady, who's name was "Margaret - no, but it begins with an 'M'" and it transpired his mother's name was Margery. And the third thing was schools, and he told me he'd been moved from school to school as a child and was now returning to school. I was pretty chuffed. As I was writing the things down, I had no idea if I'd made stuff up, I just wrote down the first things that came into my head and didn't try and question them. It seemed to work!
I think this connection is a bit like a new muscle I need to work, it'll get fitter and more easy with practise.

Today I had a lovely email from Pam, ref my Birthday Blue post. (AKA Exercise in Self Pity!)
And I'm just bracing myself to start getting organised for next week.. I have to go to Tescos and buy a mound of cat food, let the Aaronsons know the new feeding schedule, ask Mary if we can change tonight's 6pm call to 5:30 so I can leave at 6pm. Pack. Hmmm, and probably loads of stuff I have forgotten.
In the midst of all this Nigel know's somethings up, he hasn't left me all morning. He's currently sat next to the laptop, after me hoicking him off half a dozen time, leaning against my arm as I try and type - now he's trying to climb over my arm and lay across the keyboard! Hang on.....
Okay he's off now but its very hard to type with a cat trying to lck your fingers to get your attention!
I'd better go and give him some attention.

Soothing Saturday

2004-11-20T08:50:00.000Z

Well, you may have been able to tell I was somewhat upset last night. I haven't cried that hard in years.
I'm definitely feeling better this morning, but still a bit emotional. I re-read last night's blog and started to feel teary all over again! Oh God no! I then read someone's post on wlsinfo.co.uk saying about her boyfriend's cancer being diagnosed as terminal an that he only had a matter of a few months left, and how terrified he is - boy do I feel guilty! What problems do I have compared to that.

ANYWAY! On to other things. This is going to be short as I have to get ready to go to a workshop in a few minutes. My neighbour, the clairvoyant, is running a workshop to day that I'm going to. I've been looking forward to it all week. I expect I'll be much more relaxed afterwards.
I've cancelled my vsiit to St Albans (work related) tomorrow as I have to be in Hinckley tomorrow night ready for the week's training I'm delivering. This Cat stuff is hard work - the travelling and staying away mainly. I hadn't realised how much I don't enjoy that anymore.

I need to create a packed lunch for today, so a dawn raid on tesco's is called for - no food in the house after being away all week.

Birthday Blues

2004-11-19T19:53:00.000Z

I've had a crappy day to be honest.
Its my birthday today. Well, big deal. No one else seems to have noticed.
For some reason, none of my family has called to wish me happy birthday and the only card I got was a computer generated one from my loan company - how sad is that!
Mind you, evenI forgot it was my birthday until yesterday when I heard someone mention the date on the radio. I mentioned how silly that was to a good friend yesterday and she was the only person to wish me happy birthday today, from Heathrow as she was about to board a plane to the US.
Its days like this when I really hate my self - fat ugly cow that nobody could love, that's why I've not got a special person to make this a special day for me. I know my family and friends love me, but they've all got other priorities, their own partners and kids, of course. That's as it should be. But wouldn't it be fabulous to have someone to whom I'm the first priority.
Of course there's a big hoo ha about the 20th anniversary of bandaid and the video at the moment AND of course its Children in Need day, so now I feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. I have a lovely house, work is taking off after struggling for a year to start my own business, I seem to have loads of friends (well, I thought I did until today!) So what have I to moan about? Why do I still feel so miserable?
So, naturally, I bought a cake on the way home and stuffed as much as I could in my mouth in a vain attempt to make myself feel better. The only good news is, because of my band, I only managed a third of it, whereas before I would have finished all of it and gone looking for more!
Now I've got a headache from crying and I'm wallowing in a morass of self-pity, so its probably best if I sign off.

Monday

2004-11-15T16:24:00.000Z

Well, things seem to be finally on track work wise. I'm visiting Irlam tomorrow and Weds, Desford Thur and Fri. Hotels booked, coaching logs set up, cat taxed (!!!???!! forgot it had run out!!!???!!!) - all set! Contacted Tiscali to find out how I could dial up from hotels instead of broadbanding on my account - all sorted. Caught up with JohnW ref invoicing etc.
Changed my dates with the Devon lads to accomodate Cat.
Just need to confirm days with the Aaronsons ref feeding Kevin and Nigel.
Now I'm thinking - what have I forgotten! Its all far to smooth!

I had a very active weekend - did a lot of sorting drawers out, organising finances, paying bills and......dramatic pause....I cleaned the oven!
Oh my God! I don't think my oven has ever been cleaned before! Boy does it feel good now its over!
Its amazing how much more energy I have!
I was talking to Devon Mary over the weekend, and she worked it out that I have already lost 15% of my excesss weight! How cool is that! After 6 weeks!
When you think my body is now carrying around 8 bags of sugar less than it was a few weeks ago, its not that surprising that I find I have more energy.
I also had my hair doen at the weekend - I was going to wait until Crimbo to get my highlights redone, but I saw a piccie of hair of lovely colour and decided to go with that. It means my hair has been darkened - that's a first - so its a soft reddie brown now, with bright red flashes underneath. I really like it. The overall colour looks really natural, its very close to my own, just a bit more shiny.
Oh well, better run the hoover around if the neighbours are going to be popping in to feed the cats, and reload the dishwasher.

Phew! What a week!

2004-11-13T20:00:00.000Z

Its been a bit of a week, as they say!
Since Tuesday, the training scheduled for Cat has been cancelled and rescheduled 3 TIMES!!! What are those people like!
Anyway, finally they decided not to do it this coming week, but the week after. So in theory I should be on site coaching them this week. Hmm, unfortunately it was so late when they changed their minds, that we haven't been able to book any appointments! Long story short - at home Monday, see where we go from there!

Weds, I went into London and had my first fill. What an amazing experience! I was fascinated by the technology, looking at my insides on the xray and watching the barium drink go down and seeing the adjustment "live"! It was really strange, all though I obviously couldn't feel my stomach being squeezed, my head had somehow equated the band with my waist, and I have had this odd feeling all day that my waist is now smaller. Huh? Strange person!It must be something to do with the silouette your stomach creates after banding - that hour glass shape.I must admit I wasn't impressed with the barium drink, like drinking bland, sweet thick yoghurt - and I hate yoghurt! But it could have been a lot worse I suppose!
I was really impressed with the whizzy table, for the uninitiated, you lie down flat on the table and have the local anaesthetic (what a wooss!) and then the saline needle is positioned via xray over the port. Then the really exciting bit - the table tips up through 90 degrees so you're standing up! How cool was that! I felt like I was on Thunderbirds!
Then then saline is injected under xray so Mr R can judge the amount of restiction. I must admit, in all the excitement, I forgot to ask how much he put in! It seemed like qute a bit (4ml band, looked like 2mls went in, but that's just a guess). Apparently everything looked like it should and I'm now on liquids for a week folloowed by sloppy for a week. Oh well, I managed longer than than before, I can do it again! At least I've got some great soup recipes and fruit smoothie recipes now!

Today (Sat) I'm definitely feeling more restricted. I had a cup of soup for lunch at work on Friday, it took me 1/2 hour to drink it (it was quite thick - tomato and basil, yum!). I felt really full after, and it was just a bog standard mug. Mind you, about 4 hours later I was pretty hungry, gurgly noises providing an interesting background music!
But today I was a BAD girl, and stopped in the Little Chef for food at lunchtime.
I ordered suasage egg and chips. Ended up only managing 1 sausage, 1 egg and a few chips - over a long period of time. Its now 8pm and I'm still full!
I really should have gone for such solid stuff so soon. But I'll be good from now on. At least I didn't force it and be sick or anything. Chewed everything to death as well!

Anyway, Fridays weigh in:
1.10.04 137.8kg
5.11 .04 131.5kg
12.11.04 129.9kg (started to go down again ! Yay!)
Total loss so far: 7.9kg (17.4lbs)

Brain strain

2004-11-09T16:10:00.000Z

I've spent the day writing the material for the first day of Cat training, redoing the coaching schedule (eek!) and getting a grasp of what exactly needs to be done. And I'm completely exhausted now!
According to Gary there's still a question mark over the training because John C left a msg on his machine that was a bit gloomy - hmm, is our Gary a bit of a worry-wart we ask ourselves?
The TRNI head honcho has said yes, so, in theory, we should be all systems go. I bloomin' hope so after all the work I've put in! I'm just getting fed up with the uncertainty. If I knew it was a definite "no", then at least I'd be able to go out and find other work!
I took a trip to the local shop last night and bought a load of chocolate, obviously comfort eating.
First fill tomorrow, not sure if I'm going straight to TRNI afterwards. I expect I'll find out in the hour or so.

Limbo!

2004-11-08T09:46:00.000Z

Yes, I've been in limbo all weekend.
News on Cat as of 5.30pm friday was the decision was an end of year financial constraint one and TRNI are in negotiations with them ref invoice dates etc to see if we can continue. I won't know to today at the earliest. I've been instructed to do no work until we have a decision. This is really frustrating as, if the decision is yes, I won't have any extra time to get the work done, and it was short to start with!
So, after my coaching call with Danny today, I'm going to focus on my short Open University course that starts this week and hope it takes my mind off everything. I'm doing A178 Prespectives on Leonardo da Vinci. Its looking really intersting so far.
Well, given my history, you'd think that I would have been stuffing my face this weekend and put on loads of weight due to the stress. Well, I was definitely obsessed with food all weekend, but weighed in this morning at 130.7kg - that's 0.8kg down! (About 2 lbs). It was just impossible to eat the amounts of food I used too, this is sooo cool!
I had chicken for tea last night and accidentally swallowed a piece without chewing it properly - boy was it uncomfortable! I jigged around the kitchen for a few minutes trying to dislodge it, but that just made me feel sick. I didn't want to be sick as this can shift the band, so I coughed over the sink and that did the trick, just enough force to bring up the culprit! It must have been 3 or 4 mm big, thats all, but oviously big enough to block my stoma.
Oh well, coaching call due now and then onto Leonardo!

Have it A-Weigh Day

2004-11-05T23:42:00.000Z

Its Friday, so its weighing time again. I've found myself eating gradually larger portions over this last week. Not huge, generally normal size portions, but definitely the largest since my op. So I was expecting to have put on a few pounds. Good news is, I'm static at 131.5kg - no loss and no gain. Total los so far : 6.3kg (about 13 lbs).

I'm pretty chuffed with that, at least I'm not gaining. And next week I get my first fill, so I will be back to the teeny plates with a teaspoon bit.
Yesterday I had my first proper day working on Cat. I met Gary at his place in Cheshire and we thrashed out what needed to be done etc. We then went to Manchester to the Cat warehouse there and met all sorts of useful people as well as getting a feel for how the operation works. I had a crap start to the day - TWO Virgin trains cancelled, so I eventually gave up and got back in the car and drove up. I got home about 8:30pm, really tired, but feeling good about how the day went.
Then this morning I got a call from Gary to tell me he'd had a call from the Cat UK Mgr's secretary to say the UK Mgr had been told to cancel all training. Aaaargh!
I was somewhat stunned, and as the day went on I started to get more and more worried about the consequences. I'd turned down work to do this and now I'm left in the lurch!
Not very suprisingly, I turned to food for comfort. I even went grocery shopping at Tesco's. But when I put the food away, I was pretty impressed with myself - there was no junk food, no chocolate or sweets, cakes or biscuits. That was amazing, in the midst of stress and anxiety, I still managed a healthy shop! The comfort food I bought was a fresh cooked chicken and a small baguette to make warm chicken sandwiches for lunch. And I couldn't finish it! The cats did really well!
Gary called me halfway through the day to say that the TRNI Directors and he had talked and agreed that if the directive from Cat was due to end of year financial constraints, they would agree to hold off invoicing the work until it completes - Feb 2005. - obviously in Cat's new financial year. Enabling me to continue. It appears they are all concerned for my situation, knowing I'd turned down work to do this for them, but the cynic in me says well, they still want the business don't they!
Anyway, Gary finally managed to put this suggestion to the Cat big cheese about 5:30pm today and he is going to talk to his boss (European Mgr) on Monday.
So I'm not going to the TRNI offices as planned on Monday - stay at home and wait for the call!

I was supposed to be going to the wlsinfo AGM tomorrow, but I'm concerned about spending money - I've got to pay for the fill next Weds, so cash is going to be tight until a few outstanding invoices come in. I'm not sure if this is an excuse because I nervous about going somewhere on my own where I wont know anyone, or if its a genuine reason.
I'll find out tomorrow I suppose.

Not another 4 years of Bush!

2004-11-03T11:05:00.000Z

Okay, so I've got sucked into the media frenzy asbout the US elections. As of this morning, it looks like Bush is in the lead, but its all going to come down to Ohio apparently. God, I hope Kerry pulls it out of the bag. I must admit if I was a US citizen, I wouldn't be voting FOR Kerry, but against Bush. The man's a religious fanatic with a meglamania complex - how dangerous is that! Its terrifying that we have someone so intrenched in their own religious ideology puporting to be fighting terrorism, which is being perpetrated by people with the same kind of mindset, just a different choice of religion! Seems like a recipe for global meltdown to me.

Onto things closer to home, I'm at a client site at the moment, in sunny Devon. (All my coachees are in a management meeting for an hour, so I'm busying preparing for my Cat meeting tomorrow and writing my blog!)How cool was it to wake up in the hotel this morning, open the curtains and be presented with a panaramic view of the sea. I felt calm and relaxed from the word go this morning.

Last night was the first time I've eaten out since the op (in the hotel). I ate about 3/4 of a normal main course, a tiny starter (3 teeny brie wedges with rocket) and a sliver of pavolva for pud. More than I'll be able to eat after my fill, but a lot less than I could eat before. I felt really uncomfortable for the rest of the evening, like I'd really over-eaten - Christmas Day type of over full. Although I didn't feel sick at all whilst I was eating. It was a good guide for me about being more disciminating in choosing what to eat. Anyway, 1st fill a week from today! Yay!!

Happy Monthi-versary!

2004-11-01T18:44:00.000Z

Yes, today is the official one month -versary of my operation.
Since I had it done, I seem to be hearing about weight loss surgery all over the place! Buster Bloodvessel has been all over the tabloids about how wls saved his life and Sharon Osbourne was on Parky last Saturday telling how she had a lap band op about 5 years ago. Hopefully this will make wls less of an enigma to the general public and make it all more mainstream, the life saving procedure that it is, rather than the secret, shameful thing that a lot of obese people STILL have to fight ignorance and prejudice over. Many people undertaking different types of wls don't even tell their friends and families because they are sure they will received misunderstanding and condemnation. e.g. "why are you doing that? Why don't you just...join weight watchers...do some exercise..go on a diet etc etc." Duh! Like the obese people concerned hadn't tried that and more!
Its like telling a smoker or an alcoholic "why don't you just stop smoking/drinking"! However, with those addictions, you don't the particular substance to sustain your life. You can totalling give up fags and booze and live a healthy life, have you tried totally giving up food and still being healthy?
I feel very priviledged that I feel able to tell anyone and everyone about my op. I have only had positive reactions: concern, support, excitement, curiosity. I do wonder how much of this is due to the fact that I'm really straight about it, and feel able to communicate the exact whys and wherefores of my decision. I wish I could trasmit some of my confidence to those who still feel unable to share what's going on for them for fear of ridicule, contempt and condemnation. Even if they lose their excess weight, they are still trapped in a prison of a kind, created by past experience of others' ignorance.
I've even told some of my business clients and they were just as excited and pleased for me as my friends.
Anyway, rant over now!

This weekend was pretty quiet, but I have noticed I have much more energy. I cleared out my wardrobe yesterday and then proceeded to start on sorting out the office (still a long way to go there though!)
Today I pottered about, confirmed my visit to Renwicks, had a coaching call with Danny, booked a hotel for tomorrow night, etc etc.
I may not get to this for a few days as I'll be away, so apologies in advance!

too tired to think up a zippy title!

2004-10-29T18:34:00.000+01:00

Well, lets get the bad new over with first - I weighed in at 131.5kg this morning.
That's still 6.3kg down on my original weight, but is up 1.4kg on last week (about 3 lbs).
Mr R did tell me to expect this, so I'm not too despondent, but why does 1.4kg seem so much more than 3lbs? I never used to worry about gaining or losing 3lbs before, I could do that eating a pudding or going to the loo! But 1.4kg seems a HUGE amount in comparison! Get some perspective woman!

Last night I went to a spiritualist circle with my neighbour, it was really good and I felt really relaxed afterwards. Much more in tune with my spiritual side than I have been in years. I have decided to mediate more often and attend the circle whenever I can - its only once a month, so that should be do-able.

Today I went to Jill's in St. Albans to finish her Skai Focus Day. I think it went well. She has to do a Management Information report on me, I hope its fairly positive. Well, she has to do a focus day on me next, so I do get the chance to get my own back! Jill also fed me some carrot and coriander soup - yum! So after my soggy wheetabix for breakfast and soup for lunch, I haven't really ventured into much solid food, although I must admit I did have a bar of chocolate when I got home - but that liquid (apparently) by the time it reaches your stomach anyway, so I don't think it counts!
I might be really bad and have a KFC zinger and chips as a treat tonight, I feel like I deserve it.

When I got home, I reviewed the contract I'd received from John W. I rang him and sugggested one or two very minor changes, which he was happy with, made the changes, printed the new version, signed it and sent if off. So its official! I forgot to follow up his offer for a two week sub though - I really need to do that as my outstanding invoices will take too long to be paid, I think.

Well, I'm pretty tired tonight. Had a fairly full on week, and next week is going to be worse! Exeter Tues and Weds, Manchester Thurs and looks like Jac and Bridget might be coming up for some help Friday. Oh hum! What it is to be so popular!

Cheesey Grin!

2004-10-28T11:09:00.000+01:00

That's what's on my face today! a BIG CHEESEY GRIN!
Today is my first official day working for the Renault Institute. I'm at home prepping for the CAT training and coaching. I'm meeting with Gary, the Programme Manager next week and then I'll be full time from Monday 8th Nov. Hurrayyy!!!!
And today is my last day on sloppy food!!!!
And I received a new CD this morning from Amazon - "Horse of a Different Colour" by Big and Rich - its fab! Really gets you moving and has kept a grin on my face for the last hour or so. I think my two favourite tracks as far as lyrics go are "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", and "Why does everyone want to kick my arse?" Its a kind of country & rock fusion, with a bit of hip hop thown in! Majorly recommended!
What a great day!
I also received a "I've moved house" card from Bettina in Groningen yesterday, it was lovely to hear from her, I must reply asap.
Food has been good this week, I think planning ahead helps lots. When I'm travelling all over the place with this new job, I'm going to have to make sure I have easy healthy options in the freezer, so when I'm getting home at all hours, really tired I don't go for the take away option.
Well, I suppose I'd better get back to earning a living!

Jive Talking!

2004-10-25T17:27:00.000+01:00

Well, Saturday night was loads of fun!
It was my friend Dan's 50th birthday party. I caught up with people I hadn't seen in years!!
Everyone seemed to already know about my surgery, obviously word had got round vis mutual frinds to those I hadn;t managed to get to myself. The support, love and interest in my progress was quite awesome! I felt really loved by the end of the evening.
I stayed at Karen's house, which is sooo lovely. So we got to have a great chat over brekkie on Sunday. We must do this more often. I made lots of promises to people Saturday night too, to make plans to visit etc. So my social life is going to be quite busy over the next few months.
Sunday was quiet. Got home, fed the cats, had a chat with Ivy, next door. She's been away for several weeks, so it was lovely to catch up. Also went to tescos. When I got home, I realised I hadn't bought any chocolate! Wow! What a breakthrough! It hadn't even occurred to me to get some!
Today (Monday), has been quite productive. I had a coaching call this morning and had a lovely chat call with Jacqui at lunchtime - in addition to our normal morning buddy call.
I received a book today that I'd ordered from Amazon. Its called Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery. Its full of great recipes and advises on how much to eat of each depending on your type of surgery and how far through the process you are. The recipes look really interesting too. Only slight niggle is that its American and uses "cup" measures. How much is a "cup" for goodness sake? Is it a liquid measure or a dry measure? Its bad enough with lbs, oz and grams, kilograms, teaspoons and tablespoons! I'll need to find a translation somewhere and keep it in the book.
Finally finished my flyer for Pam. Started printing them off, and then realised there was a glaring typo I'd missed smack in the middle! So all that printing was wasted. Oh well, its sorted now and the final (hopefully) version is printing off while I'm typing this.
Food today? well, 2 wheetabix for brekkie, cumberland pie for lunch. I felt a slight ache in the tummy area after eating the pie. I was careful to avoid drinking around the meals, so I don't knw what the ache was. I did have a bit of a dodgy stomach yesterday, so it may be related to that. Well, we'll see how I get on with dinner - spicy rockfish!

Onwards and Upwards

2004-10-23T10:35:00.000+01:00

Friday was a busy day - but a pretty good one all told!
I had an inteview in the morning with Water for Fish, and change consultancy. It was a "fit" interview with the MD. Fist stage of quite a lengthy process from what I could make out. I think I did okay, but haven't had any feedback yet and probably wont get any for a week or so as they want to consider me in context with other applicants. Understandable!
When I came out, I received a call from John W. ref CAT. It is 99.9% definite (his phrase!) and he'll be sending me a contract next week! Yayyy!!!
I was a bad girl as far as food is concerned yesterday. Fast food all round I'm afraid! I had a McDonalds chicken in flatbread for lunch, which in and of itself is okay (340 cals), but it was the fries that went with it that were not so good! And then for tea I had a chinese. Hmmmm. Not exactly slimming! But I did eat a lot less than I used to.
Not surprisingly I had put on a kilo this morning (131.5Kg). But if I'm good this weekend I should be back on track pretty quickly.
I'm being pretty hard on myself around what I'm eating, I feel guilt ridden for yesterday, which is really silly. If I carry on like this, I'm going to get pretty screwed up. Its not a criminal offence to eat something that's got a high fat content, for goodness sake!
But I know what's going to add weight and what's not, so its up to me at the end of the day.
I had my appointment card for my fill this morning. 10th Nov, 10:30am at the Princess Grace Hospital. Its going to be an expensive one as I have to pay the hospital for the radiologist and use of the xray etc. Oh well, at least I'll be able to afford it pretty soon!

All's Well

2004-10-21T15:18:00.000+01:00

Gosh is it really nearly 3 days since my last post! The days have been whizzing by this week!
So lets get a bit of an update!

Tuesday:
A quiet day all round really. Had a meeting with Gary and John in the evening from Renault ref the CAT work. it looks very positive! Awaiting final go ahead today (Thursday). Looking at the timetable of work, they'll certainly be getting their money's worth! Its pretty much back to back with quite a bit of time away for 12 weeks! I'll just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. A few concerns about hotel food etc. But at least I can try and make sure the hotels booked have a pool so I can get some exercise started.
Also have a slight concern about getting to London for my fills, as most of the time will be spent in Manchester and the midlands. Oh well, I'm sure I'll manage it somehow.
So, all in all, really good news. I'm just a bit daunted by the amount of work to be done. Looking at the whole elephant again! Instead of one bit at a time!

Wednesday:
Again a quiet day, new printer and shredder arrived, so I've been playing with them! The printer is great. I started putting together a general flyer, which looks great printed on the new printer. Just a few last minute things to do and I can print them off on posh paper!
Had a great chat in the wlsinfo chat room tonight, it was "Bandster" night. There seem to be a lot of "baby bandsters" just now (aka newly banded). Was able to get some reassurance ref my weight loss rate, exactly what Mr Rogers said today actually! But jumping ahead!

Thursday (today):
Yes, went to see mr R for post op checkup. He's very pleased with my progress and managed my expectations very well with regard to the rate of weight loss. Said I shouldn't worry that the rate of loss has slowed down and that when I start on solid food, I shouldn't worry if I regain a few pounds - its just means I need a fill. HUGE relief and reassurance! I don't know why, but I thought I was going to get told off - guilty conscience I suppose.
The wounds have healed lovely and the small hardness under one wound, that was sore at first, was apparently where he'd put in a stitch. Its now softening up where the stitch is dissolving.
I told him about my skin reaction to the tape and he immediately called his assistant (Janice) and asked he for her to make sure the hospital provides hypallergenic tape from now on! That's so cool!
We agreed my first fill would be about the middle of November. But we need to see how the weight loss goes - I need to fax Janice my chart on a weekly basis. Provisionally booked for the 10th - apparently it needs to be done on a Wed morning as its done under xray with a radiologist present. This might prove a bit of a fiddle with the CAT work, but I'll make it work!

Duh! Moment this morning! New card arrived for my Business account and I got a bit shredder happy, shredded the card it came with before I realised I had a bit to fill in and send back to activate the card! Ooops! Called my Premier Account mgr and she sorted it, lovely lady! But how dim am I!

Monday Monday

2004-10-18T22:57:00.000+01:00

So good they named it twice!
Well, it was a pretty good day today. I'm absolutely exhausted now, but I've been on the go all day and managed to get through it without a nap!
Jill came over this morning to work with me on our Skai "accreditation". We decided I would be coaching her today. Considering I hadbn't looked at the Skai format since the 2 day session, it went pretty well! Jill had to leave an hour early as her daughter was sent hjome from school poorly, and we finished the session on the phone this evening. I think it was successful. Next session week on Friday at Jill's place in St Albans.
On the same subject, I got a call from Ailsa tonight and we set up a date for me to take her through the Focus day in a few weeks time. So sorted!
Also had a great call with Danny today. He's had my notes on suggestions for his managers, but hasn't had a chance to look at it yet. He's committed that we'll talk about my role with them next week. Goodo!
Foodwise? Well, a good day too. I was very goos, had sloppy wheetabix for brekkie, soup for lunch and thai green curry with mash potato for tea - okay it had small pieces of chicken in it, but I chewed them really well! Best of all, loads left for about 2 more meals!
I'm not drinking enough water though. I'm always thirsty after I've eaten. Someone on wlsinfo suggested making sure I drink loads of water before I eat, then I wont need to drink during or after eating for at least 30 mins as we're supposed to. tried it tonight and it worked a treat. But I do need to increase my intake of water generally, its really slipped the last 4 or 5 days.

I seem to be burping an awful lot, need to keep an eye on this.

Snoozy Sunday

2004-10-17T22:09:00.000+01:00

I had a very lazy day today. A lot of it was spent sleeping! But I'm not going to apologise for that. If my body demanded it, then I obviously needed it.
I had a lovely phone call tonight from Susan, she's pregnant again! Mattie, her first, is now eighteen months old and I'm ashamed to say I've not seen him yet. I must do something about that before feb, when number 2 is due!
I also had Mary's coaching call tonight. I think it went well, even though I completely forgot the call was scheduled! Big tut tut for me!
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Jill is coming over for us to have our first Skai practice session. I'll be doing her first half Focus Day. Before that I've got Danny's coaching call and a discussion ref his managers. So full out from 1st thing!
I haven't had my call with Jacqui for several days now, inspite of trying to contact her. I hope everything is okay.
So, I'm going to have an early night tonight.
Bon soir!

Food, glorious food!

2004-10-17T18:40:00.000+01:00

I expect the name of today'spost will be repeated oft times in the future! I'm becoming increeasingly aware of how obsessed I am by food. I've been exercsing my brain the last couple of days to think of appetising ways to eat soft food. Fruit smoothies - good for you, really really yummy, very filling, but the cost of the indgredients (generally soft fruit) do tend to make it an occasional indulgence rather than an every day affair this time of year. e.g. £2.99 for a small punnet of blueberries, same for raspberries. £1.49 for strawberries. etc etc.
Mash potato with all sorts - really nice if using freshly made mash, which I am. I had some really fresh haddock, poached then flaked into the mash with a parsley sauce last night for tea. It was FANTASTIC! Tasty, filling (couldn't finish it) and counts as sloppy! The cats were happy too - the tray of haddock I'd frozen had two fillets in it, so I cooked both, one for Kev and Nige and one for me. I think I'm quite popular with them at the moment!
Today I went to Tesco for inspiration, and had a eureka moment - egg mayonnaise! Unfortunately I then thought about egg mayo sandwiches made with really soft fresh bread and succumbed to temptation and bought the bread. When I got home, I made 1 round of egg mayo sandwiches, half of what I used to eat. I loved it, but boy was I full up quickly! Could only eat about 2/3. I wasn't really paying much attention to how I was eating either and I definitely ate too much, without chewing enough. I felt quite uncomfortable for several hours. But the big breakthrough was when I suddenly realised, during eating, that I couldn't eat another bite and not be sick, yet my head was saying "look, look how lovely that sandwich is, just another bite, go on!" I remembered what Mr Rogers had said during my first consultation. He asked if I had a dog, and I said no, just a cat who thinks he's a dog. And he said, you'll get to a point when you realise you can't eat anymore, at that point, put your plate on the floor for the cat, don't leave it where you can go back to it. So I did just that, I opened the sandwich and put it down for Nigel, who loves egg mayo! There was no way I was going to eat any more of it after Nige had been at it! But the action of putting it down on the floor whilst I still wanted to eat some more was surprisingly difficult. Once I'd done it, it was fine, but there was definitely a dithering moment where it wasn't positive I'd do it. The whole experience was a learning one on what to expect with the band.
I had a lovely tea - cumberland pie. I'm not sure how this is different from Shepherds pie or cottage pie, but there you go!
The actual quantity of what I've eaten all day is a fraction of what I used to eat, but it's 11pm and I'm still feeling a bit bloated, over full. By jove I think its working!

Anyway, away from food for a minute.
Had good news from John Wellwood yesterday (Friday), the work has been confirmed with the client and I'm set to meet with the programme manager on Tuesday to let him see if I'm up to the job and discuss the way forward. Yay!
I also had feedback from the Healthcare Commission. It was what I thought at the time and had said to the agency, I didn't demonstrate the breadth of my skills and experience in the interview. To be fair to myself though and the agency and I agree on this, their interview process has no structure and they were not good at eliciting what they wanted to know. In fact, I don't think they know what they want. But apparently they liked me! But in the end it's as well. I'd much rather do the work for John and be based from home with occasional travel than commute into London every day. And the pay will be about the same!
Angela popped round to see me this afternoon, which was nice. Pete popped round for a few seconds last night. Karen rang today too. Mo was supposed to be coming over today, but rang to say she's caught this bug that all the kids seem to be getting, Mattie had it earlier in the week.
I think we'll be getting together in a few weeks time.
I've booked my ticket for the WLSInfo AGM in 6th November. Its just off J23a of the M1, so I think I'll drive up and back on the day rather than stay over. It'll be a lot cheaper too!
Anyway, weight loss so far:
1.10.04 137.8kg
15.10.04 130.2 kg
Total loss 7.6 kg (approx 1st 3lbs) - not bad for 2 weeks!

Sing when you're winning....

2004-10-15T01:41:00.000+01:00

What a great day! Only one minor (well, major really) hiccup when it came to "band management", but more of that later.

YES, I finally made it to the Healthcare Commission for my interview. I got there 1/2 early in the end, but it was worth it. I decided to treat myself to a first class ticket as the Virgin trains are packed solid in the rush hour and I wanted to make sure I got a seat and had enough room to read up my notes for the interview etc. Also got a nice cup of tea out of it too!
I think the interview went well, although I haven't had any feedback yet. I was interviewed by 3 people, the Prog Mgr (I would be reporting to) and 2 people from the business. I think I was a hot with the people from the business, but not so sure about the Prog Mgr. Ho hum, we'll wait and see.
Anyway, on the way home, 1st class again of course, I had a great phone call from John Wellwood who's now doing the resourcing for the Renault Nissan Business Institute. He wanted to know if I would be interested in doing 3 months work for them, starting pretty much end of next week! Oh well, I'll have to think about it (duh!). Final confirmation tomorrow afternoon. In the middle of his call, the cabin stewards were doing their bit on the train and I was nodding for tea, shaking my head for toast etc, and without even realising it, I said "Oh yes please" when offered a sausage sandwich! I was already into my third bite before I remembered "the band"! Well, needless to say I finished the sarnie, felt completely guilt ridden and then worried all the way home what damage I may have done! To be honest, there was no discomfort or pain or anything. I did feel like I wanted to belch but couldn't for an hour (not chewing enough?) But boy, did I enjoy it!
When I got home, Karina from the agency rang to find out how I got on at the interview and also wanted to arrange an interview with a Change Consultancy who wanted to see me next week, yay!
Then, (it never rains...), I got a call from Trina at 2Change (another Change Consultancy) asking if they could use my details for a bid they were putting together. if it comes off, the timing of it should fit in well with the Renault stuff! What's even better, both jobs are using my coaching skills as well as my Change skills!
AND!>>>> exchanged emails with Mike from the Brand Business ref possible work for Peugeot!
OH MY GOD! What a great day!
I feel really confident.
I finished off the day resolving any outstanding bills. I called British Gas and BT to find out how much I owed them and found out I was in credit with both!
Oh well, must sign off now, got a coaching call with Mary at 6:00pm and at 1/2 past my new car is being delivered.
Aint life great!?!

Yuk!

2004-10-14T04:53:00.000+01:00

Well I decided to try the sloppy a few days early. I made some lovely mash, then liquidised it with some corned beef - GOD it was disgusting! Far far too sloppy! I won't be making that mistake again!
Though I must say the few spoonfuls I managed have left me very full.
I had a lovely phone call tonight from my ex-sister in law, Mo. I haven't been in contact with her in several years, but I gave Mattie my phone numbers on Sunday when he visited and he passed them on to his mum. It was just like old times, it felt like it used to when we used to rabbit for hours. Mo's going to come up this weekend and see the cottage. It'll be great, although I have a feeling the brandy supply might be a bit depleted by the end of the weekend!
Another delay on the car - won't be arriving until Thursday now. Hmmmm. So braving the cab firm again for tomorrow's trip into the City. the owner of the firm promised me he would ensure my cab was 5 mins early tomorrow. Well, we'll see.

In never rains.....

2004-10-13T03:12:00.000+01:00

Oh my, where to start!
Well, I didn't do my interviews today after all. A looong story, but to try and simplify, as I haven't got my car yet, I booked a cab for 6:30am to get me to the station. It didn't turn up. I tried other firms, but no joy. There was no way I was going to be able to get to the City in time for the meeting, so I rang both the agency and the client and cancelled.
I then un-did all the gladrag stuff and went back to bed. I must have needed it, because I slept until lunch time! What woke me, ironically, was Mr Rogers' assistant ringing to change the time of my appointment next week. Only an hour later, but its actually easier for me.
Anyway, I spoke to the agency that had set up my interview and they were extremely kind and said the Health Care Commission were fine about it and still wanted to see me - phew! So, same time, this Thursday. By then I'll have my own transport - we hope.
How am I feeling? Well, pretty good overall. No painkillers again today. I had thin porridge for lunch, I know its a few days early, but it was sooo satisfying compared to soup! I actually felt really full up, and it was only a small bowl. Then, this afternoon, I was REALLY naughty. The Tesco man came and delivered stuff I'd ordered, which was effectuvely catfood and indgreients for smoothies and soups. But one of the smoothie indgredients was nectarines. And they looked SOOO good! That I'm afraid I succumbed and ate one. I chewed well and don't seem to have had any side effects, except it's now dinner time and I'm not at all hungry! I think I'll leave eating my tea (soup again!) until my pouch has had ample opportunity to empty. I don't want to risk making the band slip before its settled. Am I being paranoid? I'm not sure. I think I'll ask the question on www.wlsinfo.co.uk . Those guys have been there and done it, so to speak, so they can tell me if I need to worry I've done any harm. But I feel fine!
I saw "Fat Chance" again today. It is so crass in dealing with obesity, especially when you compare it to the BBC's treatment of the subject in "Fat Nation". I was so insensed by yesterday's episode I emailed ITV to complain. The film itself was fairly mild, but the voice over was done, I think, by Stuart Hall. If you remember his days doing "Its a Knockout", its the same kind of tasteless unfunny humour. The language used is really inflammatory, holding those poor participants up to ridicule. some of the camera angles also leave a lot to be desired, shooting from the floor up to make a large man's belly look at enormous as possible. It was all so unnecessary! Anyway, needless to say, I've had no acknowledgement of my complaint.

Monday Morning Blues....NOT!!!

2004-10-12T01:14:00.000+01:00

GOOD MORNING!!! Well, its actually afternoon now, but I'm really awake for the first time in over a week. Hopefully the anaesthetic has finally worked its way through.
There are only a few physical twinges now, I’m off the painkillers totally and its only when I pull a scar in an odd direction that I get any pain – must stop trying for the backward flip with half twist!
I feel really positive to day and have caught up with loads of work related stuff I've been putting of since before the op - didn't have enough energy to deal with them then. I've been on the go since first thing this morning, had, an admittedly long, lunch break and started again about 4pm. Still goin' strong!
Yesterday my brother Chas visited and brought my youngest nephew Mattie with him. We had a lovely visit. As Chas said, it was really nice just to chat one-on-one, his family is quite large and always hectic, so we very rarely get the opportunity when I visit his place. Mattie had his first go at throwing a pot, not what you'd call a natural, but I'm sure his talents lie in other areas! Best bit was, he could get muddy and squichy without being told off, it was all Auntie Fi's fault!
My new car didn't arrive. The seller called to say he'd gone to his parents to pick it up and discovered someone had been trying to "jimmy" the lock and it needed fixing. End result is I suggested he bring it over Weds. Tomorrow I'm in London - two interviews, back to back! I was supposed to be doing something in the afternoon, but common sense says to come straight home after the interviews and not over do it.
I received a lovely email from Jacquie H. today. Apparently she's read the blog and likes it - so hi Jac!
Food has been a bit of a funny thing these last couple of days. I'm DYING to eat real food again. But I'm not really hungry. I just go off into fantasies about my favourite dishes! Interestingly, in my fantasies, I'm not craving huge amounts, just a small serving of something REALLY tasty. That's got to be good huh? Mind you, I'm making a list:
Chicken Tikka masala with basmati rice
Chicken tarragon
Sausages and mash and tomatoes
Kedgeree
Grilled chinese dumplings
stuffed mushrooms
salmon fillet with parsley and lemon sauce.......

I could go on and on! Oh well, only a few more days I move onto sloppy/pureed food. Chas was really helpful, some years ago he broke his jaw and had it wired together for months (well, it seemed like months, I'm not sure how long it really was) and all he could have was liquidised food. His favourite, apparantly, was mashed potato with sage and onion stuffing. He also suggested corned beef and mash potato - now I hadn't thought of that, but it does sound good, especially if you add some baked beans!
He said he had a choice of green slop (peas), orange slop (baked beans) or brown slop (gravy). I can see where he's coming from! Well, I'll only being doing it for 2 weeks, and my slop can gradually get thicker. So when I start to feel hard done by, I'll just remind myself of what he went through!
I weighed myself again this morning. I'm not suppose to, I know, I just couldn't resist. - 130.3kg. So that's a total of 7.5kgs (16.5 lbs) lost in 10 days! I know it will slow down drastically once I started eating solid food again, but what a great kick start.

Sunday Review

2004-10-10T17:56:00.000+01:00

I know its ben a few days since my last post, so I thought I would look back and summarise what's been going on.
To be honest, I've felt wiped out for the last few days. My body has felt like lead and I've had no energy at all. I'm not sure how much of this to put down to the afterafects of the anaesthetic and how much to not taking much food. I've tried to ensure I'm getting some nutitrients by making fresh soup, (favourite was chicken and lemon grass, boy that was great!), but it feels like there's a big lack.
I tried to prepare some clay earlier in the week ready for Satrurday's Deanshanger Feast where's I was supposed to have a stand and offer goes at throwing a pot. But it became clear this wasn't going to work. The bags of clay were too big for me to be lifting, and I didn't have enough strength to prepare the clay even if I could have got it out of the bag. So I rang the organisers and apoligised profusely and pulled out. It did take a weight off my mind.
I went into MK on Friday on the bus - I nearly wore myself out getting to the bus stop! By the time I got home, I was whacked. Vanessa called to msay she was coming over (as previously planned), but I had to bail, I just needed to sleep.
I really hope this doesn't carry on much longer, I've got too much to do next week. And I need to start earning some money pretty quickly.
This morning I had probably the most painful episode since the operation - I went to the loo - properly, for the first time in a week. Do I wish I'd stuck to the prune juice or what! I will be doing so from now on - that's for sure!
I'm having my new car delivered today - awaiting the call at the moment to find out what time it will be here.
Chas said he will be coming over this morning as well, bringing Mattie - that will be great. (Must put the hoover round!)

Anyway, the important results from week One:

Start weight pre-op 1.10.04 137.8 kg (21st 9lb)
weight 10.10.04 131.5 kg (20st 9lb)
Total Loss so far: 6.3 kg (1 stone)

The Journey

2004-10-05T17:47:00.000+01:00

First things first - yes, I meant suppository when I said pessary all through the last post!

So today is Tuesday, I was supposed to be at an interview in London right now, but boy was I pleased when that call came to postpone it yesterday. I felt okay yesterday, but light headed quite a bit of the time. I supoose that's is remnants of the anaethestic. I also had visits from my neighbours Angela and Helen Sunday night and Monday afternoon. It was lovely that they checked up on me.
I spent the morning catching up on emails, reading my post, raising an invoice I'd forgotten to do last Thursday - understandable really. I also had a coaching call to do. Good news is that client wants me to do some work with 3 of his senior managers! So some more regular coaching clients!

The hardest thing to do yesterday was slow down. I tried to do everything at my normal pace, which is either flat out or dead stop. I find it really hard to pace myself. Of course, I was becoming exhausted. So in the afternoon I set myself up in front of the TV for 3 hours and felt much better afterwards.
BTW I made a lovely carrot and orange soup last night - wasn't hungry though, so I have it for today.

This morning (Tuesday) I feel pretty rough. I've only just taken my painkillers, which will have a lot to do with it. I've had some juice, which was very refreshing. I've noticed that I'm only taking in small amounts of liquid without even thinking too much about it. I don't try and finish anything, just stop when I've had enough. That's got to be a good sign I think.

Just a final word about Kevin and Nigel. Cats are amazing animals, they seem to know when we're not right. Since I got home Sunday, they haven't been far away from me at any time. Even tolerating each other sleeping within a few feet of each other. Even Angela, my neighbour, commented on it when she came round. Mind you she could hardly avoid Nigel as he decided to drape across the back of her armchair and then gradually moved the draping to around her neck! I'm afraid I did have to intervene, poor Angela!

Well, I've gorn an dunnit!

2004-10-03T22:47:00.000+01:00

Its Sunday afternoon and I'm home after my operation. I'll bring you up to date in chronological order:

Friday, 4:45am - got up and showered, cab due at 5:30am, but it was late - great start! I really hoped it wasn't an omen of things to come! So I missed my train, that was due to get me to Euston with loads of time to get to the Princess Grace hospital for 7am. In the end I caught the 6:18 train that got me to the hospital about 7:20am - not too late. I was ushered into a reception area where I saw an admissions office, checked out payments etc. A porter then took me to my room (404 in case you wanted to know) and did the room tour i.e. this is the light switch this is the bathroom etc etc. Just like in a hotel, but apparently we're not supposed to tip the hospital staff, so perhaps he was just being helpful !? The ward sister was waiting for him to finish (now about 8:00am) and she introduced me to my "outfit" for the day. Incredibly glamorous! Back to front gown which leaves your rear hanging out for all to see, thigh length surgical stockings - definite passion killers and to top it all off, a gastly paper hat! Apparently I was first on the list, which was great as it meant I had NO time to get even more nervous. A quick visit from the consultant anaesthetist - bit like the spanish inqusition on speed, and a slightly more gentle approach from mr Rogers, the surgeon. A few minutes later the trolly was wheeled in, I climbed on quite elegantly, I thought, with the help of a stool and the porter's arm. And then we had the ignominy of waiting in the corridor for the lift with the morning rush hour (it was about 8:45am) of folks going past and having a good gawp. Its amazing how vulnerable you feel when you are laying down and everyone else is standing up.
Anyway, a bit of banter in the pre-op room with the Anaesthetist and his (dishy) sidekick and I was mid flow when I felt very woozy and the next thing I knew I was somewhere else with this woman leaning over me saying "yes, this is the one with six holes". Two things came to me at that moment, the first was I loved her highlights, they looked great, and the second was six holes? that's not right, I've only got five, they must mean someone else.
I gradually became more awake and was trollied back to my room. I remember feeling a bit trapped as my right arm was permenantly attached to a blood pressure/pulse/oxygen machine, my left arm was attached via a canula to a drip and antibiotic bags and my legs seem to have been wrapped in moving balloons - on top of those bl**dy stockings!
I know I wanted to go back to sleep but people kept coming in and out - and they left the door open, it was like Piccadilly station.
As the afternoon went on I felt better and more awake. After a few hours the right arm stuff was taken away and I had access to the TV remote control and the water jug. The moving balloons turned out to be anti-thrombosis gadgets which inflated and deflated alternately left and right leg to keep the blood flowing. The soft "huffing" noise they made was actually quite comfoting that night, as when I dozed on and off it sounded a bit like my cat Kevin snoring at the bottom of the bed and made me feel like I was at home.
As I came more aware as the afternoon went on, my first pressing need was for the loo. Unfortunately the drip stand etc was on the wrong side of the bed from the bathroom so after a few gradually more desparate calls via the call button thingy, a nurse came and helped me, basically gave me the drip bags and I carried them in with me! After that we set up an extra long tube to the drip so I could come and go as I needed. Apparently I was a bit quicker of the mark than normal with this particular need!
When I was in the bathroom, I took the opportunity to inspect my war wounds in the mirror, like you would. And yes, there were six holes. Now, I should explain, ALL literature about this procedure says there are 5 holes, no matter who is doing it: 1 x port, 2 x retractors (left and right), 2 x manipulators (left and right), so why was there an extra one? Had something gone wrong? I wasn't too worried, as I was obviously okay, but definitely curious!
All became clear when Mr Rogers visited that night. he told me that the left lobe of my liver is twice the size of a normal one - its quite healthy, nothing wrong with it, just VERY big! One retractor just didn't hack it, and the 6th hole was for a second retractor to hold my liver out of the way. So of course questions came to mind like, does this mean I can cope with more alcohol than most? I'd never noticed this ability before I must admit.
I was only allowed sips of water Friday, and to be honest, I didn't really feel like anything else. I made a few calls to family and close friends to reassure them all was well. and received a few calls too, which was great.

Saturday: 6:00am, God they start early in hospitals! I'd had a pessery painkiller about 1:00am and was work up at 6am for obs. Went back to sleep for an hour or so and was woken by Mr Rogers visiting. he said the canula could come out (hurray!) I should get up and about - I must admit I felt he was accusing me of being a layabout, didn't he know I'd had surgery the day before? It was only 8:00am for goodness sake! But I did feel a lot better for having a wash and changing into my "posh" jim jams. I felt more and more well as the day unfolded. I also enjoyed having liquid with flavour, prune juice and tea for breakfast. It tasted like manna from heaven after 24 hours on water.
I had my first incident of "head hunger" in the morning. I was watching the Saturday morning cooking programmes and was suddenly aware I wouldn't be able to eat solid food for a month and started to get cravings. Buit when I "examined" myself carefully, I wasn't at all hungry really. It was an interesting experience and I tried to pin point how this hunger felt different so I would be able to recognise it in future. I also change channel on the TV - that helped lots.
I had Chicken consomme for lunch and some orange juice. It took me ages to eat it, but boy was it good! I expect the chef at the hopital has managed to perfect it by now. I also had it for dinner too. Just coming up to dinner time was the first time I felt real hunger pangs. But they were easily satisfied with the soup.
I stayed out of bed as much as I could on Saturday as I didn't have to wear the pumping ballons if I was out of bed. But I eventually gave in to fatigue about 10:00pm.

Sunday: 6:00am, woke up in pain and asked for a pain killer. I got a jab this time. In fact I've given up counting the number of holes in me from various blood tests, canula, pain killing jabs, anti-nausea jabs etc etc. I feel a bit like a pin cushion. I asked if I could have a shower and the nurser said sure, so by 7:30 I was showered, hair washed and dried, dressed, packed and ready to go home! I'd really had enough. The staff were excellent, but you can't beat your own nest for comfort.
Mr Rogers came to see me about 9:00, he said he was really pleased with my progress and I could go home. I'm to see him in two weeks time for a post-op check up.
I was given some painkiller pesseries to take with me, as well as some soluble paracetamol. The nurse followed me downstairs and gave me some surgical stockings to take away with me - apparently I have to wear them in bed for six weeks after surgery. I not sure whether she was winding me up because she knew how much I loathed them!

I finally got home about midday and was feeling quite ropey. I realised I hadn't had any pain medication since my 6am jab. I used some of the medication provided and feel a lot better now. Still very woozy though. I must remember to try and take thisngs a bit easy for the next few days.

One Day to Go!

2004-09-30T17:14:00.000+01:00

As I thought, yesterday was pretty hectic, so I didn't get a chance to put up a post.
It was a lovely day though, in the morning I saw one of my neighbours who's a clairvoyant as I was retrieving the wheelie bin. She said hello, looked at me closely, and then said "it will be okay you know." (Hunh?) "you've put it off long enough, but its going to be fine" So of course I asked "whdya mean?" And she said "Friday - I don't know what it is and don't tell me, but you'll be fine." (Cue Twighlight Zone music!)
A few minutes later, her husband Peter stopped by and said, I'll fix your shed roof for you today if you like - of course I like! Especially as today it peeing down with rain! I can go and throw some pots in the dry and not risk getting electrocuted - Yay!!! What a nice man!
Afternoon and I had a visit from a Peugeot T&D Manager - he wanted some help in his role, so we had a great chat, offered mutual help. Good networking!
Then I had a coaching call at 6pm - Mary, the Cheese farmer. Always a joy to talk to Mary, she's such an amazing lady.
Soon after that my friend Pam arrived and we went out for my "Last Supper". Indian. It was lurverly! So we had lots to drink, came home, drank some more and went to bed after 1am. Amazingly I don't have a hangover this morning!
Pam and I had a really lovely evening, made lots of plans for sailing next year, can't wait!
This morning I'm feeling really great, very excited. I'm receiving load of emails wishing me luck and sending love, I feel very loved. (oops, weepy stuff narrowly avoided there).
I've deliberately left the day pretty free. There's a few things to do - like ask the neighbours to feed the cats - can't believe I've forgotten that! Raise an invoice, pay a few bills etc etc.
When all that's done, I think I'll disappear down to the shed and bury my arms in mud for a while. That will take my focus right away from tomorrow. I hope!

Online and accessible!

2004-09-29T00:42:00.000+01:00

Well, I've transferred my journal into a blog. It wasn't too difficult in the end. (Many thanks to Ken Clare for his help and advice!)

Today has been very weird. The sale of the flat completed yesterday and I've been waiting all day today for the funds to arrive in my bank account - so I can immediately pay some out again to my surgeon for Friday! I've tried distraction therapy, but to be honest, Neighbours isn't quite as enthralling as it was when I was 14. I feel this great reluctance to move away from the laptop - as if I could physically make those electronic blips move any faster between banks by hovering over my keyboard!

I've managed to fill tomorrow up with meetings, coaching calls and visitors, so it shouldn't be as bad. But dreading Thursday (day before surgery) - I'm sure that's when the nerves will really kick in!

I'm going to use my time usefully and surf for great smoothie recipes, to give me a break from soup, tea, coffee and water for next few weeks!

2004-09-27T17:04:00.000+01:00

I had a strange weekend, I went to and fro between frantic activity to snoozing on the sofa. This morning I feel pretty good. Emotions are quite near the surface though. I was telling Jac on our buddy call what had been going on for me and I got quite tearful..again! I’m starting to feel a bit silly!
Today is going to be crucial – the sale of the flat is due to complete. As soon as it does, I can transfer the funds to Mr Rogers’ bank account. I think until I do that, Friday will still be a “maybe” to me.
Getting my haircut today to, that should give me an opportunity to tell a few more strangers about my surgery!

2004-09-25T16:35:00.000+01:00

Well, I was up again at 7:00 this morning and immediately thought of all the things I didn’t say last night! One of which is how difficult sleeping is at the moment! I’m absolutely shattered, had about 15 hours sleep in the last 3 nights, which averages at 5 hours a night. Which doesn’t sound so bad, but the last two days have been long and intensive to boot.

The second thing I wanted to mention was how amazing supportive all my friends have been. And to be honest, anyone I’ve mentioned my surgery to! I seem to be telling all and sundry! I had an interview last week with 3 complete strangers and told them. I’ve read on http://www.wlsinfo.co.uk/ (an amazingly supportive site by the way!) of how some people haven’t told even their close family and friends out of fear for what might be said and also of the negative comments people have had. I must be extremely lucky, the responses I have had fall into 2 catagories:
1) excitement for what this will mean for me and my life
2) positive concern for my health e.g. “that’s great Fi, make sure you give yourself enough time to recover from the anaesthetic”, or “I’m so relieved, I haven’t known how to say so, but I’ve been worried you might not make it to 50”.

And everyone seems so interested! It has blown me away how many people want to be kept up to date with progress. Another reason to try and create this journal as an online blog, I think. Then people can read for themselves!
Its only 8:51 and I’ve cried twice already this morning. But “touched, moved and inspired” crying, not miserable crying. I think its going to be one of those days!

My Journal starts!

2004-09-25T09:52:00.000+01:00

Well, I have decided to start a journal to document my weight loss journey. I did think about doing a video diary, but decided I communicate more succinctly in the written word and it gives me the opportunity to reflect as I’m writing. I just waffle when I talk!
I’m due to have a laparoscopic lapband operation a week from today (Fri 1st Oct 2004).
My feelings have been skating from excitement to trepidation and back again. Today I attended the second day of the Skai training workshop, to become accredited as one of their coaches. It was a great couple of days and I got some great insights. One of them was a development of something I realised a week or so ago. After years of thinking of myself as the “ugly fat one”, I am already thinking of myself as the healthy, slim one, even though I haven’t lost a pound yet! HOWEVER, when visioning what I wanted in my life for the next 6 months, it became apparent that I was waiting to lose weight in order to start living my life. As was pointed out to me by Kate – I am living my life now, what am I waiting for!

It has just occurred to me that if anyone who doesn’t know me reads this, they may want a bit of background to me and my weight issues. So as succinctly as I can:

I’m 41, single, never married, no kids, been on my own for about 16 years. I live in a cottage with 2 cats and a pottery workshop at the bottom of the garden. By “trade” I’m a Business Coach and Change Management Consultant. I work for myself, sole trader at present, but soon to be Director of Beaumont Kilpatrick Ltd.
My weight started piling on at about 1 stone a year when I was about 24. Before that I had been pretty average in my weight, but always had a self-image as fat. When I was 24, my grandma and my mum died within 3 months of each other. Both of whom had been huge influences in my life. Within a few weeks I was unemployed, had broken off my engagement and had moved house.
I haven’t had a relationship since then.
Attempts to lose weight just resulted in the classic yo-yo dieting. I have lost huge numbers of stones over the years, but unfortunately I always put more back on. Things I have tried include:

- Weight watchers (several times)
- Fad diets of various types (Atkins, Rosemary Conley etc etc)
- Personal Trainer
- Joined a gym (at least 3 times)
- Liquid diet monitored via the doctor
- Volunteered for Obesity drugs trial for a year (included a side effect of reduced cognitive ability)
- Xenical
- And probably others that I can’t remember!

My surgeon is Mr John Rogers, based out of the Princess Grace hospital in London. I’ve sold my flat (second property) and the funds from that have enabled me to have this operation privately. The local Primary Care Trust wont fund anything for obesity, which is SOOOO short sighted! If I didn’t have this done, what would I be costing the NHS in the long term in terms of related illness?

Well, I think that’s me as concisely as I can put it. Hopefully it will give you a bit of background to the rest of this journal.
I’ve just realised, that even if this never gets read by anyone but me, it helps me to write it thinking I am writing to a person, so I’ll keep this up I think.

Well, its about 1:20am, and I’ve had a very long day, so I’ll sign off for now.
TTFN, Fi

1st appointment with Mr Rogers

2004-08-17T15:44:00.000+01:00

Weight: 21st 7lb (301 lbs)
BMI: 52